IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

All over the world, societies are facing a growing problem with obesity. What is the reason for this rise in obesity and how could it be tackled ?

#world #societies #obesity #reason #rise
More and more individuals are suffering from
obesity
. Even though
this
 alarming issue is attributable to poor dietary choices and a sedentary lifestyle, it can be addressed by labelling
food
 products and constructing more fitness amenities. Undoubtedly, poor diets are considered to be the root cause of
obesity
. Simply put, not many
people
 have a sufficient amount of time to prepare a healthy meal for themselves.
This
 has led to a circumstance in which abundant
people
 select and purchase fast
food
 which is mainly unhealthy
due to
 a high level of calories.
Thus
,
this
 perfunctory eating style will undeniably bring about
obesity
 in humans worldwide. A sedentary Lifestyle is
also
 a primary contributor to getting fat. To explain
further
, once
people
 finish their meal, their bodies will gain calories which need to be burned off by doing
exercise
.
Therefore
, those with seldom
exercise
 cannot consume all the energy in their bodies, thereby gaining weight over time.
However
, viable solutions for
obesity
 are
food
 labelling and the construction of more sports facilities. As for
food
 labelling, the label itself gives consumers information about the products, which is an ideal way to warn and discourage
people
 from buying unhealthy
food
.
Hence
, obese
people
 will drop significantly.
Furthermore
, by adding more fitness centres in the vicinity of local areas, governments indirectly inspire
people
 to work out. When numerous
people
 participate in
exercise
, it creates a mob mentality attracting other
people
 to join in.
As a consequence
, the government should force supermarkets to label the
food
 and build more sports amenities when it comes to tackling
obesity
. In conclusion, despite the fact that
obesity
 is triggered by poor dietary choices and a lack of physical
exercise
, it can be handled by
food
 labelling and more sports facilities.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your introduction and conclusion clearly address the topic of the essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: