IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #government #rise #obesity #children
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Many believe that the government should be in charge of taking care of a serious health problem, which is obesity in kids.
While
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 the rest of people think that it is the responsibility of parents, In
this
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 essay, I will argue both aspects and their views on
this
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 matter. On the one hand,
it is clear that
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 the authorities are part of the issue;
for example
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, they allow shops to maintain foods with high calories and sell them out to teenagers and children. Ages 13 to 18 are the ages
where
Correct word choice
when
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 the body hormones get messed up and start to earn fat so easily, so not keeping an eye out for
centers
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centres
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 and shops that vend
such
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food
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 is a huge side of the problem.
Also
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, the constant promotions of unhealthy foods,
such
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 as junk
food
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, fizzy drinks, frozen meals, and sweets.
For instance
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, whenever you are driving, big screens and signs show up, and all of them promote unhealthy foods. Unhealthful
food
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 can
also
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 be promoted throughout social media and platforms, and
this
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 could affect teens.
On the other hand
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, fatness is
also
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 the parent's responsibility, and it depends on how they feed their kids and educate them about
food
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 and how to exercise properly.
Also
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, some parents provide
for
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apply
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their kids
mobiles
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with mobiles
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 and playing devices without limiting their time, and
as a result
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, younger people get lazy and don’t move a lot, which leads to being overweight.
To conclude
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, obesity is a disease that can lead to problems in health and infectious diseases, and the number of overweight people keeps rising every day, so it is the
parents
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parent's
parents'
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 and
government
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government's
show examples
 job to find a solution.
Submitted by sherifF on

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coherence cohesion
Provide clearer topic sentences for each paragraph to improve the organization and structure of the essay.
task achievement
Expand on your ideas and provide more details and examples to support your arguments.
lexical resource
Use a wider range of vocabulary to enhance the lexical resource.
grammatical range accuracy
Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar, as there are some errors throughout the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • policies
  • responsibility
  • health and well-being
  • education and awareness programs
  • childhood obesity
  • food advertising and labeling
  • unhealthy food
  • supportive environments
  • recreational facilities
  • collaboration
  • healthcare providers
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