IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

In many countries around the world, rural people are moving to cities, so the population in the countryside is decreasing. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#countries #world #people #cities #population #countryside #development
Migration from rural areas to towns
had
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 been increasing in a lot of nations, and
as a result
 of
this
, the number of individuals who have been living in the countryside is going down. In my opinion,
this
 has benefits and drawbacks, which I will explain in
this
 essay.
Migration
Correct article usage
The migration
show examples
more
Change preposition
of more
show examples
people
 to cities has some advantages.
Firstly
, by increasing the number of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
 who have been moving to towns, finding the workforce would be very easy for every employer.
Thus
, every industry has enough employees, which would be a crucial element for having a developed nation.
secondly
, if the population of a city increases, the demand for housing will rise.
Consequently
, construction companies, real state agencies, and landlords will earn a sustainable amount of money which helps the economy of that area.
On the other hand
,
this
 trend has some drawbacks. The price of houses would see a dramatic increase. Admittedly,
this
 increase causes a lot of pecuniary problems for citizens.
Moreover
, when folks cannot afford to have a proper home, the quality of life of these
people
 will drop significantly.
Furthermore
, the more
people
 live in an area, the more pollution would be everywhere.
This
 pollution causes detrimental effects like respiratory diseases, asthma, heart problems, and sudden death.
To sum up
, by falling down the number of residents who are living in rural areas
as a result
 of moving to cities, every nation will face benefits and detrimental changes. I personally think that the disadvantages of
this
 transformation outweigh the advantages.
Submitted by fbagheri285 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence to guide the reader.
coherence cohesion
Improve the use of linking words to establish coherence between ideas.
grammatical range accuracy
Review the use of punctuation to ensure clarity and correctness.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • rural-to-urban migration
  • population shift
  • positive impact
  • negative impact
  • urbanization
  • job opportunities
  • access to education
  • access to healthcare
  • urban infrastructure
  • rural traditions
  • cultural heritage
What to do next:
Look at other essays: