Some people believe that professional athletes serve as positive role models for young people, while others argue that their behavior both on and off the field has a negative influence. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

The public thinks that sports
players
have a lot of social responsibility, especially for growing juveniles and these effects have an optimistic power.
However
, others believe that athletes have the possibility that they would reveal their detrimental things
such
as using abuse and aggressive private life and it could negatively affect younger. I will present both views and show my perspective in
this
essay.
To begin
with, the majority of teenagers are enthusiastic about sports
players
as they become celebrities in these days and age and reckon that they have to serve good ideas to young people to encourage their dreams. It is a fact that sizable influencing is an inevitable task for athletes who have considerable popularity.
For example
, famous sports
players
leave their own lessens on broadcast or many types of media and people who have a lot of things on their plate will be able to get a strong spur from the lessen. Plus, most of the students in Korea have been running out because of a severe quantity of workload,
however
, they can endure that by watching and reading athletes’ activity figures and lessening their leaves.
On the other hand
, others criticize and point out them because there are plenty of unfair games like abusing drugs to acquire good scores in the game and some
players
have unclean scanlines, even aggressive accidents.
For instance
, there were several violent cases in the State, which were the most famous basketball player brutally hitting his wife for a long time and getting investigations by a court. So, some experts showed their concerns that teenagers of the State could be aware of it to be allowed behaviour.
As a result
, the citizens debate very seriously in terms of
this
accident for juveniles back
then
. In conclusion, I suppose that there are several reasonable grounds that I cannot deny.
Nevertheless
, I believe that there are more fruitful aspects of athletes for children.
Submitted by daye9114 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and cohesion
You have generally done well in structuring your points logically, but sometimes your arguments lack depth and flow. Try to build up your argumentation and make the relations between your points more explicit to improve the logical structure of your essay.
Coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion were present and adequately structured, which is commendable. However, you could enhance your conclusion by giving a more definite stance and summarising your arguments pertinently.
Coherence and cohesion
Some of your main points lack adequate support or further elaboration, so they appear unconvincing and superficial. Try to use more evidences, reasoning or examples to substantiate your claims and convey your ideas convincingly.
Task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic and follows the task instructions for the most part, but more attention should be paid to ensure a comprehensive and in-depth discussion of each aspect of the task.
Task achievement
Your ideas are generally clear, but sometimes become vague or confusing due to insufficient explanation or awkward wording. Try to express your ideas more clearly and precisely, and avoid using vague or ambiguous terms.
Task achievement
You have provided some relevant examples to support your points, which is good. However, your examples should be more specific, relevant and convincing than they currently are. Try to use real-life examples or statistics to make your points more convincing.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • role model
  • determination
  • discipline
  • work ethic
  • community service
  • charitable activities
  • poor behavior
  • unsportsmanlike conduct
  • media scrutiny
  • public perception
  • materialism
  • physical and mental health issues
  • impressionable youth
  • high levels
  • pursuing sports
  • positive influence
  • negative influence
What to do next:
Look at other essays: