IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast. It is therefore necessary for the government to impose a higher tax on this kind of food. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion

#countries #people #health #government #tax #food
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Global obesity is a rising issue in our society, which results from excessive consumption of junk meals, leading to a detrimental impact on people's health.
Therefore
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, some believe that if the government implemented taxes on
this
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 meal, it would reduce its usage. Through
this
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 essay, I shall discuss my point of view on
this
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 decision.
Initially
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, let's agree that fast cuisine has a tremendous impact on one's health and is considered one of the main causes of gaining weight. In my opinion, I believe that the main cause that made junk meals popular is their low price and fast delivery,
thus
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 I think that the government might be able to help reduce
this
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 issue with various solutions including imposing a higher tax rate on
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 kind of food, which will discourage people from buying it. Meanwhile, encourage restaurants with healthier options to reduce their prices by providing lower tax rates for them.
Although
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 advertisements have contributed greatly to
raise
Wrong verb form
raising
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 interest in commercial food, governments could overcome it by encouraging Social Media influencers to raise awareness about a healthier lifestyle and the risk of obesity, including how it affects our health and the growing risk of mortality.
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, we should educate our young ones from early school ages about the importance of exercising, so it can be a daily routine for all members of the community. In conclusion, obesity is our modern-era disease and we should collaborate together to raise awareness about it and fight it.
Accordingly
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, governments have a pivotal role in managing
this
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 crisis, by increasing tax rates on Junk food, encouraging healthy chains and educating society about the importance of exercising and choosing the right options.
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Task Achievement
While you established a clear introduction and conclusion which generally adheres to the task, the essay would benefit from a more nuanced argument with a balanced discussion of both sides of the issue. This would improve the complete response score.
Task Achievement
The essay should provide relevant specific examples to support the argument. This aids in illustrating points and engaging the reader, ultimately enhancing the task achievement score.
Coherence Cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is clear; however, transition phrases could be used more effectively to guide the reader through the argument, enhancing coherence and cohesion.
Coherence Cohesion
Support your main points with more developed arguments. Each point raised should be followed by an elaboration or example to underpin the argument, which enhances cohesion and coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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