Some argue that music mainly serves as a way for individuals to reduce their stress and anxiety. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
There is an argument that
music
is a pivotal factor in reducing stress
and anxiety in people
. I strongly agree with this
statement because music
can improve mental health for both players and listeners.
Musical players will feel relaxed and have more opportunities to interact with other people
.When musicians play some instruments such
as piano and guitar, they will focus and concentrate on that device and forget about some toxic things in their lives. Moreover
, music
can be used as a tool to create community as some kinds of music
require more than one person to play. When people
have a friend to share their story with, their anxiety will be reduced.
People
who listen to music
also
can have better mental health as the rhythms
of music
can release stress
, and music
can create activities to go outside. Some doctors suggest their patients listen to slow rhythms
and rhythms
of nature in order to reduce their mental illness. Furthermore
, people
can be encouraged to go outside and explore new things by music
such
as going outside to listen to music
in the garden. This
will help individuals avoid doing the same things or routines which lead to negative impacts on their mental health.
In conclusion, as I mentioned above, I firmly believe that music
can be the one of crucial factors which can reduce stress
and anxiety for improving mental illness in people
. Music
players, can not only relax,
but Remove the comma
apply
also
interact with others while
they are playing. For listeners, they can enjoy the rhythms
and go outside to reduce their stress
.Submitted by nattaporn.vibha on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a decent level of clarity and coherence. Your arguments are logically presented and connect to your overall point. However, the cohesive devices you used are a bit basic. You can improve by varying the linking words you use. Try to include more advanced cohesive devices such as 'in addition to', 'conversely', 'nevertheless' that add more depth to your writing.
task achievement
Your response to the task is clear and you follow a consistent line of reasoning. However, you need to focus on increasing the range of your examples. Your examples are accurate but lack diversity and depth. By providing more specific instances, research-backed data or anecdotal evidence, you can enrich your arguments. This will make your essay more convincing.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite