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Writing Samples
Band 5

The pie chart below shows the frequency of U.S. Adults’ online purchasing habits in 2015, while the bar chart shows a further classification denoting online purchasing preferences.

The pie chart below shows the frequency of U.S. Adults’ online purchasing habits in 2015, while the bar chart shows a further classification denoting online purchasing preferences.
#frequency #adults’ #habits #bar #classification #preferences
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The
given
Verb problem
apply
show examples
pie chart depicts the percentages of American adults’
habits spent
Wrong verb form
spending
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 their money to buy goods in e-commerce
dividing
Wrong verb form
divided
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in
Change the preposition
into
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 four criteria in 2015
while
 the bar chart illustrates the preferences (in online or offline
store
) of
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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purchasing necessities which is separated
in
Change preposition
into
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 four different categories.
Overall
, men and women mostly tended to buy things less often
while
 there were few shoppers in
Correct article usage
the U.S
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U.S
Correct your spelling
U.S.
liked
Correct pronoun usage
who liked
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 buying stuff weekly.
However
, nowadays Americans like to purchase in offline
store
Fix the agreement mistake
stores
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 by online transfer
while
 fewer people are cashless buying stuff in physical
store
Fix the agreement mistake
stores
show examples
, except weekly online customers.
To begin
 with, 37%
people
Change preposition
of people
show examples
 in America shopped
their
Change preposition
for their
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 necessities less often
while
 28% of them preferred to do it a few times a month. Afterwards, there were 20%
shoppers
Change preposition
of shoppers
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 that never had
an
Correct article usage
apply
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experience
to buy
Change the verb form
buying
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 things
in
Change preposition
on
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online
Correct article usage
the online
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 platform whilst there were 15%
people
Change preposition
of people
show examples
buying
Wrong verb form
bought
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it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 weekly.
In addition
, all, monthly, and less frequent online shoppers like to purchase goods
by
Change preposition
with
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 virtual money in physical
store
Fix the agreement mistake
stores
show examples
 (above 60%, 50%,
80
Correct word choice
and 80
show examples
%) than in e-commerce (above 30%, 40%,
10
Correct word choice
and 10
show examples
%), respectively. Meanwhile, weekly online buyers prefer buying with digital money in online
store
Fix the agreement mistake
stores
show examples
 (above 60%) than in offline
store
Fix the agreement mistake
stores
show examples
 (above 30%).
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words store with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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