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Band 6.5

As a result of electronic inventions such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health. To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

#inventions #computer #television #people #activity #effect #health
Nowadays, technological developments have strongly changed human life. Electronic creations
such
 as computers, tablets, and smart
screens
 have led to sedentary lifestyles with resulting health problems. I positively agree that technological interventions glue
people
 on the
screens
, and
consequently
, they tend to have problems with their bones or suffer
obesity
Change preposition
from obesity
show examples
.
Also
, I believe that
people
 should have done more physical activities to reduce these effects.
Firstly
, at an early age, humans start using these technologies for recreational activities. There has been a significant increase in the number of youngsters spending many hours a day playing video games on their computers.
Researches
Fix the agreement mistake
Research
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have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 shown that young adults tend to have pain in their backbones
due to
 sitting in front of
screens
 for a long period of time. I strongly believe that parents should encourage their children to do more physical activities.
Secondly
, adults suffer the impacts of less physical activity as well. A good example is that many
people
 are obsessed with watching movies on their smart
screens
 or phones for many hours rather than doing any other kinds of sports, and it
result
Change the verb form
results
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 in obesity. Whether the whole family sits around staring at their smartphones or you keep the TV on in the background, too much screen time can be harmful.To prevent
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
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, they have to eat nutritious foods because of the lack of physical activity or they can improve their health by cutting back on the amount of time spent in front of the screen
..
Replace the punctuation
.
...
show examples
 To summarise, technological inventions have brought health issues in
people
's lives,
such
 as backaches and
suffering
Verb problem
apply
show examples
obesity because of the contents of these devices.They have to practise any kind of sports to avoid these harmful impacts.
Submitted by omondavlat91 on

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task achievement
Provide a clear thesis statement in the introduction.
coherence cohesion
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lexical resource
Use more varied vocabulary and expressions.
grammatical range accuracy
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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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