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Band 5

In the globalization process, technology has changed the way people connect with each other. While this development may bring about some potential benefits, I would argue they are eclipsed by the significant drawbacks.

#globalization #process #technology #people #development
Many people think that modern
children
 have an abundance of free
time
 and
doing
Correct word choice
that doing
show examples
 more school work in their free
time
 is necessary. As parents, being concerned about
children
's grades and studies is natural but overpressuring them to study and get top grades might backfire.
Children
's leisure
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples
 should be fun yet interesting which will eventually teach them important lessons and make them more creative. Schoolwork is definitely important. But if
children
 are forced to study all day long without having enough
time
 for recreation or refreshment, it will increase their stress level and negatively affect their physical and cognitive development in
later
Correct article usage
the later
show examples
 stages of their lives. I believe
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 free
time
 means a child should be allowed to do things that our of their normal routine. For
children
, it can be playing sports in the playground or a park with other kids of their age.
This
 will teach them how to be a team player and enhance their social skills. They can
also
 play educative video games for a few minutes and watch cartoon shows.
Besides
, practising a hobby sounds impressive to me. For
this
, a family should be open-minded and try to find the hidden talents of their
offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
show examples
. I believe that not all
children
 are born with particular talents. It is our duty as parents, teachers and relatives who motivate them and
engaging
Wrong verb form
engage
show examples
 them in extracurricular activities
such
 as drawing, dancing, singing etc are
also
 necessary. We have to understand that an unsocial adolescent with good academic grades cannot make much impact on our society and cannot climb the professional success. In conclusion, even though studying and preparing for exams is very important for the future of a child, we should not
enforce
Verb problem
force
show examples
 them to be occupied with it all the
time
.
Instead
, various social, fun and creative activities in
free
Correct pronoun usage
their free
show examples
time
 will make them more prepared for the future.
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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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