42.Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance. Discuss both views and give your opinion

Some say that
successful
Correct article usage
a successful
show examples
lifestyle depends on hard work and determination,
while
others would argue that
money
and physical
aspect
Fix the agreement mistake
aspects
show examples
are more important.
This
essay would argue that
although
rich
people
can do more activities,
individuals
need to learn new things. On the one hand, appearance is important for some jobs and
money
, can offer
people
better studies.
This
is because they can offer their children a better future
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
since the kids will be in one of the best schools and
are
Wrong verb form
be
show examples
able to do extracurricular activities.
Also
works
Replace the word
workers
show examples
such
as actor and
idol
Fix the agreement mistake
idols
show examples
,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
gain
money
by their aspect and body shape, if they do not
outstand
Verb problem
stand out
show examples
in these areas, they are unable to get financial resources.
For example
, in Korea being a celebrity is very difficult and competitive, if someone
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
not have a good physical aspect, will be rejected directly.
However
, I believe that success
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
life can be
get it
Verb problem
obtained
show examples
from other factors, not only
money
and physical appearance.
On the other hand
,
people
can get a lot when working hard and
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
determination.
Individuals
need to learn about several things so they can succeed in what they like to do, in
this
way they are prepared for everything that might happen in the future and they can solve it with their knowledge. Working hard will help
individuals
to
outstand between
Verb problem
stand out from
show examples
the
people
that studied the same degree, so when they need to look for a job,
hard working
Add a hyphen
hard-working
show examples
people
will have
advantage
Add an article
an advantage
the advantage
show examples
and will be the first
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
to be selected. Recent research concluded that 90% of
people
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
had good grades have been able to enter
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their first choice university and company. I believe that
this
point of view is preferable because
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
hard working
Add a hyphen
hard-working
show examples
people
will do their best to get what they want. In conclusion,
although
some jobs only
people
with
good
Add an article
the good
show examples
physical
look
Fix the agreement mistake
looks
show examples
can do and
money
can
make
Verb problem
give
show examples
individuals
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
be
in
Correct your spelling
an
show examples
advantage at school,
individuals
that work hard are able to face everything to get to their goal, and
that is
why I am
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
the opinion of
hard working
Add a hyphen
hard-working
show examples
and determination will make
people
to success.
Submitted by elenazheng1211 on

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Your opinion

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • perseverance
  • discipline
  • resilience
  • effort
  • tenacity
  • external factors
  • financial resources
  • favorable appearance
  • perceptions
  • advantages
  • intrinsic
  • extrinsic
  • sustainable
  • facilitating
  • undeniable
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