IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

in a number of countries, some people think it is necessary to spend sums of money on the construction of new railway lines for very fast trains between cities. other believe that money should be spent on improving existing public transport discuss both views and give your opinion

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Railway investment seems more important than other forms of transportation in some people's opinion
while
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 others spending budget for current transfer facilities have considered more important. Both building faster lines and focusing on the existing system sounds determinative and I will discuss both sides in
this
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 essay.
To begin
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 with, there are some reasons why railways should be developed across an area.
initially
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, tarins are safer than other public transport. To illustrate the point, based on surveys the rate of death on roads is much higher than on trains.
Accordingly
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, adding more spots and improving them by an appropriate acceleration would convince individuals to switch the way to move.
moreover
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, a reduction in noise and air pollution might happen with
this
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 development. As an example, it is more likely some people despite having personal vehicles, prefer to choose a train if they find that affordable in terms of time and money.
thus
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, spontaneously the noise and the weather will benefit that.
In addition
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, reaching the destination quickly is beneficial for employees in order to their mental health owing to spending more time for themselves. On the other side, the majority of the communities have been using other ways to move.
Firstly
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, children are the most significant category, correspondingly, some workers working locally.
Hence
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, a growth in buses or caps is what they require.
Secondly
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, road conversations for either buses or personal cars are directly associated with road tolls.
For instance
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, the numbers indicate the fact that one of the most substantial reasons for accidents is poor road conditions. In conclusion, in my opinion, countries should regard a balance point between a plan for expanding railways and for rehabilitation of all the existing public transport. Progress on the railway will specify how many passengers prefer to change the path to move routinely.

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coherence and cohesion
Paragraphs need to be logically structured and linked. Try to make sure each paragraph follows from the one before it and leads to the one after it. In this essay, the points sometimes jump from one to another without clear connections.
introduction conclusion present
There was good use of introduction and conclusion. However, the introduction could have been clearer about the specific arguments that will be discussed in the essay, and the conclusion could have provided a more detailed and definite opinion.
supported main points
The main points are generally well-supported with examples and reasonings. However, some points such as 'children are the most significant category' needed more clarifications and examples.
complete response
The question is fully addressed and a clear opinion is given. However, the opinion could have been mentioned in the introduction as well, to better guide the reader through the essay.
clear comprehensive ideas
Ideas were generally clear, but the expression was sometimes confusing. Phrases such as 'Both building faster lines and focusing on the existing system sounds determinative' could have been made clearer. Moreover, some parts needed more explanations, for instance, why children would specifically need growth in buses or caps.
relevant specific examples
Examples and statistics were used well, but more specific examples could have been used to strengthen the argument. For example, real-life examples of cities where growth in buses or caps helped the mobility of children and local workers could have been added.
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