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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

These days, a significant number of people suggest that the
age
Use synonyms
 requirements for
workers
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 to retire should be lifted tediously since most of them
are having
Wrong verb form
have
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 longer lives. Personally, I strongly disagree with the suggestion since it contributes a lot of drawbacks to company improvement and the health condition of the employees that I will elaborate
further
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 in the following paragraphs.
To begin
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 with, many employees will start to retire as they reach a non-productive
age
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 (58-60 years old). Medical professionals believe that older people’s brains will stop the redevelopment of their cells which leads to skills concretion. As an illustration, most older employees are working at a slower rate compared to productive
age
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workers
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although
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 the task difficulty they are working on is similar.
According to
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 a survey made by a qualified institution, if the younger
workers
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 are given more challenging assignments, they even will be able to complete the task without any mistakes,
while
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elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
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 are unable to solve any of those problems.
As a result
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, an institution in which the elderly are working will face a slow rate of development.
On the other hand
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, most people at the
age
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 of 55 to 70 years old are susceptible to severe diseases,
such
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 as heart attack, sight disease and stroke. Those diseases are mainly caused by the
high-stress
Correct your spelling
high stress
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 level as they are given complex jobs. As an illustration, offshore
workers
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 have high demand and challenging responsibilities,
therefore
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, it is apparent that most of them have
a greater levels
Correct the article-noun agreement
a greater level
greater levels
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 of stress.
Additionally
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, severe diseases could
also
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 reduce the living
age
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 of the person.
To conclude
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, raising the
age
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 for retirement sessions is indeed unbeneficial for people since it causes several negative impacts on the company's development and the
workers
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’ health.

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coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present but need more clarity and depth. The main points are supported but could be expanded further for a more comprehensive response.
task achievement
The response addresses the task but lacks full clarity and comprehensiveness. The examples provided are relevant but need more development and specific details to fully support the ideas.
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