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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#say #people #age #work
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These days, a significant number of people suggest that the
age
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 requirements for
workers
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 to retire should be lifted tediously since most of them
are having
Wrong verb form
have
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 longer lives. Personally, I strongly disagree with the suggestion since it contributes a lot of drawbacks to company improvement and the health condition of the employees that I will elaborate
further
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 in the following paragraphs.
To begin
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 with, many employees will start to retire as they reach a non-productive
age
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 (58-60 years old). Medical professionals believe that older people’s brains will stop the redevelopment of their cells which leads to skills concretion. As an illustration, most older employees are working at a slower rate compared to productive
age
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workers
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although
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 the task difficulty they are working on is similar.
According to
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 a survey made by a qualified institution, if the younger
workers
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 are given more challenging assignments, they even will be able to complete the task without any mistakes,
while
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elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
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 are unable to solve any of those problems.
As a result
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, an institution in which the elderly are working will face a slow rate of development.
On the other hand
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, most people at the
age
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 of 55 to 70 years old are susceptible to severe diseases,
such
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 as heart attack, sight disease and stroke. Those diseases are mainly caused by the
high-stress
Correct your spelling
high stress
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 level as they are given complex jobs. As an illustration, offshore
workers
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 have high demand and challenging responsibilities,
therefore
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, it is apparent that most of them have
a greater levels
Correct the article-noun agreement
a greater level
greater levels
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 of stress.
Additionally
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, severe diseases could
also
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 reduce the living
age
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 of the person.
To conclude
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, raising the
age
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 for retirement sessions is indeed unbeneficial for people since it causes several negative impacts on the company's development and the
workers
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’ health.
Submitted by naufalandhikapratama on

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coherence cohesion
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