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Band 5

There are an increasing number of serious crimes committed each year. While some people say that the best way would be to use death penalty as a deterrant, many people say that other measures will be needed.Discuss both views

#crimes #year #people #death #penalty #measures
Over the
last
 few decades, there has been a tremendous increase in the number of violent
crimes
committing
Wrong verb form
committed
show examples
 each day. In
this
 regard, many
people
 suggest
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
legally
utilize
Wrong verb form
utilising
show examples
 the death sentence,
while
 others recommend
to avoid
Change the verb form
avoiding
show examples
 capital
sentence
Fix the agreement mistake
sentences
show examples
 and
search
Wrong verb form
searching for
show examples
 alternative ways of solving
this
 issue. As
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
was mentioned
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
utilizing the death
penalty
 is considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a panacea
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 reducing the crime rate. Many
people
 believe that if
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 use the capital
penalty
, criminals will
afraid
Add a missing verb
be afraid
show examples
 of committing
crimes
.
Moreover
, they claim that
this
 measure has been
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
successful in Singapore since
Lee
Correct article usage
the Lee
show examples
 Kwan
Yew
Change noun form
Yew's
show examples
 reforms. It is noteworthy that
death
Correct article usage
the death
show examples
penalty
 eliminated criminal groups as a
social
Change the word
socially
show examples
 redundant class
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 Singapore in
early
Change the article
the early
show examples
 80s.
Thus
, proponents of
this
 idea promote
such
measure
Fix the agreement mistake
measures
show examples
 as a solution
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
 negative trend.
However
, others disagree with
this
, contradicting that even legally permitted countries are suffering from increasing crime numbers. As an example, opponents use the case of the United
states
Capitalize word
States
show examples
, where despite the
existed
Verb problem
apply
show examples
strict
measure
Fix the agreement mistake
measures
show examples
 about 50
people
are died
Wrong verb form
die
show examples
 annually
from
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the hands of criminal gangs.
Instead
 of
ineffective
Correct article usage
an ineffective
show examples
 capital
penalty
,
this
Change the determiner
these
show examples
people
 recommend
to settle
Change the verb form
settling
show examples
 social problems in the country,
such
 as social inequality, bullying in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school institutions and unemployment.
According to
 their position, the main reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
crimes
 is located in
abovementioned
Correct article usage
the abovementioned
show examples
, unsolved social problems.
Therefore
, they convince government officials to implement reforms which enable citizens to be well-paid and economically well-secured. In conclusion, it is undeniable that the number of
crimes
 has sharply increased
last
Correct word choice
in recent
show examples
 years.
Thus
, society tries to find the right way to tackle
this
 challenge. From my perspective, it is vital to focus on
social
Add an article
the social
show examples
 aspect of
this
 question and start to reform the current political and social system.
Submitted by altuha9507 on

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task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear and logical structure throughout your essay.
lexical resource
Expand your range of vocabulary and use more precise and varied words.
grammatical range
Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar errors.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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