IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Write about the following topic: More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words.

#topic #children #countries #effects
It is argued that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
number
Correct article usage
a number
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 of minors are achieving obesity in developed countries. So it has become an alarming issue in rich countries. In
this
 essay, I will discuss some possible reasons for
this
 problem and provide necessary solutions.
kids
 love to eat fast
foods
nowdays
Correct the word
nowadays
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 a lot which is the main cause of obesity. Many fast
foods
 are delicious and
kids
 are often attracted to those
mouth watering
Add a hyphen
mouth-watering
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foods
, which makes them fat.
For example
, My niece gained 100 kilograms of weight by eating burgers and
cocacolas
Correct your spelling
coca colas
 only.
Moreover
, many
school going
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school-going
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 children are addicted to video games, which
are resulting
Wrong verb form
results
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 in
fattening
Correct article usage
a fattening
show examples
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
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due to
 lack of physical
excercise
Correct your spelling
exercise
. In spite of, knowing the importance of workouts parents don't send them to gyms or fields to play regularly.
For instance
, minors are so attached to their game screen that, they often gain weight by sitting in a gaming chair
whole
Add an article
the whole
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 day. 40% of
kids
, in Australia gets falls victim to heart attack at the age of 10 to 16.
However
, One possible solution to
this
 problem could be,
motivate
Fix the infinitive
to motivate
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 the children to eat healthy. Including more vegetables in their diet and
abstraing
Correct your spelling
abstracting
abstaining
abstain
 them from
fat building
Add a hyphen
fat-building
show examples
foods
 will result in
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
show examples
 body.
For example
, my niece has reduced 50 kilos of weight by removing carbohydrates meats and fast
foods
 from her diet.
In addition
, doing regular physical exercise could bring the best results.
For instance
, going to
gym
Add an article
the gym
show examples
 regularly or playing or walking in the fields helps younglings lose belly fat and keep their body slim.
To sum up
, I would argue that, It is of paramount importance to keep fit, as healthy citizens are the future for making a country rich. So,
kids
 in those countries should be nurtured properly and their parents should take good care of themselves
Submitted by husainul.islam.abir on

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coherence cohesion
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lexical resource
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grammatical range
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