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Band 5.5

Many people sayt that we now live in ,,consumers societiesʼʼ where money and possessions are given to much importance. To what extent do you agree or diagree

#people #sayt #consumers #societiesʼʼ #money #possessions #importance #diagree
In the contemporary era, there is an ongoing debate
wheather
Correct your spelling
whether
money
 and position get maximum priority or not. I strongly believe that consumerism results in a classification between rich and poor on the basis of possessions and power. Technology is advancing by leaps and bounds everywhere.
That is
 why, we can see new devices and accessories with advanced features. Those who have enough
money
,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can easily afford anything and replace their old devices with
the
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apply
show examples
newer
one
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ones
show examples
.
For example
, a survey by Bangladesh IT has published that 40% of
people
 in Bangladesh
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 have the tendency to cope with
new
Add an article
the new
a new
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trend
Fix the agreement mistake
trends
show examples
, and among them around
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
35%
individuals
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of individuals
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 are belonged to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
high class
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high-class
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 families.
Further
, in
maximum
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most
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 cases,
people
 who are from
sofisticated
Correct your spelling
sophisticated
society
Fix the agreement mistake
societies
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, hold the top position
of
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in
show examples
 an organization.
Consequently
, in a
consumers
Change the noun form
consumer
show examples
 society,
people
 who are
affuent
Correct your spelling
affluent
, achieve more opportunities.
On the other hand
, deprived
people
 can not
fullfill
Correct your spelling
fulfil
 their expectations because of myriad barriers.
For example
, if a man from
Add an article
a middle
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middle class
Add a hyphen
middle-class
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 family, wants to start a
bussiness
Correct your spelling
business
 by taking
loan
Add an article
a loan
show examples
 from a bank,
then
bank
Correct article usage
the bank
show examples
 authority will not give him the
money
 because of
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of security to return the
money
. So, in
this
 case, though he may have
proper
Add an article
a proper
show examples
 plan
instead
 his family background is a great
resistant
Replace the word
resistance
show examples
 to him.
Moreover
, for ensuring a profit, a
bussiness
Correct your spelling
business
 needs some time and opportunities. But
Correct article usage
the unprevileged
show examples
unprevileged
Correct your spelling
unprivileged
 public
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
 not get any time, as they have to compete with other established companies to survive
themseleves
Correct your spelling
themselves
 in
this
 competitive market.
As a result
, sometimes small companies decline within a short period.
Overall
, it is a fact that consumerism has a massive influence on our society. Though it creates classification
as well as
 monopoly,
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
it is true that those who can adapt themselves to
this
 competitive world,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can develop and progress easily.
Submitted by rummanurrahad2038 on

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task achievement
Provide more specific examples and evidence to support your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear and logical structure throughout your essay by using appropriate paragraphing.
lexical resource
Expand your vocabulary to include more varied and advanced words and phrases.
grammatical range
Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar to improve accuracy and clarity.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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