Some people think that music plays an important role in society. Others think it is simply a form of entertainment. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

Many
people
believe that
music
plays an essential role in society,
while
other
people
say it is just for
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
entertainment
purpose
Fix the agreement mistake
purposes
show examples
.
This
essay will discuss both views of the statement in the following paragraphs. The main reason why
music
is important
because
Add a missing verb
is because
show examples
it can be transformed into an identity of a community.
People
with similar
taste
Fix the agreement mistake
tastes
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
music
will gather to share information related to specific
music
genre
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genres
show examples
.
Additionally
,
music
can
also
contribute to the culture
in
Change preposition
of
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a country.
For instance
, dangdut is well-known as an authentic
music
from Indonesia.
Moreover
,
music
can heal
people
. Research showed that specific wave sounds have positive effects
to
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on
show examples
the brain,
thus
some
people
use
music
as a therapy. Calming and relaxing songs can be used when
people
feel a lot of pressure because of their busy
live
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lives
show examples
. On the other side, not all
people
have
huge
Add an article
a huge
show examples
interest in
music
.
This
is all because
music
is not
teach
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taught
show examples
in schools as a mandatory study subject when they
were
Wrong verb form
are
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young. In school, students learn how to play an instrument and song through student
club houses
Correct your spelling
clubhouses
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.
This
leads
a
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to a
show examples
perception that
music
is not
essential
Add an article
an essential
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thing to learn in
live
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life
show examples
,
people
just focus on other aspects (e.g.,
sport
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sports
show examples
and science) and only use
music
as one
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
entertainment
Correct article usage
the entertainment
show examples
tool
Fix the agreement mistake
tools
show examples
. In conclusion, in my
perspective
Add a comma
perspective,
show examples
music
is
essential
Add an article
an essential
show examples
part
in
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of
show examples
society as an identity and it can contribute to the culture.
Music
can heal
people
who need
because
Correct pronoun usage
it because
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of the calming sensation that
produced
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is produced
show examples
by specific sounds.
However
, many
people
do not have
interest
Add an article
the interest
an interest
show examples
of
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in
show examples
music
because they believe it is not an important thing to be mastered. They just focus
to learn
Change preposition
on learning
show examples
aspects that are crucial for
live
Replace the word
life
show examples
.
Submitted by jxnxy01 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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