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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Many believe that the best way to ensure a happier society is to reduce the difference in income earnings between the rich and poor. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#society #difference #income #earnings
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Some
people
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 assume that reducing the difference in wages between the wealthy and the poor is the best way to establish a happier
society
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. Personally, I completely disagree with
this
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 statement, and in
this
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 essay, I will explain why I believe so. First and foremost, it is my conviction that reducing income differences is almost impossible to accomplish because of humanity's greediness and avarice. I believe that some
people
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 will refuse to exchange their comfortable lives with high incomes for moral values and possible happiness in
society
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, lowering their standards of living several times.
As a result
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,
people
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 working for the government or other individuals with power will pretend to have the same salary as ordinary
people
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while
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 bribes and nepotism will be common among them.
Hence
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,
people
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 with middle income, seeing
such
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 discrimination will become distressed and sad. Second of all, even if it is possible to successfully establish a system of equal earnings it may still make
people
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 unhappy. To clarify, in case of real equal pay the job that demands more effort and high skills will be paid almost the same as a job with less mental work required.
Therefore
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, there is going to be a loss of motivation among prestigious careers workers
such
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 as engineers, IT specialists or doctors, because there will be no point in endeavouring to work hard if a janitor or cashier can get the same salary and can afford a comfortable life.
Thus
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,
such
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 unfairness can lead to one’s depression and
overall
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society
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 unhappiness. All things considered, in my opinion reducing the difference in income earnings will not lead to anything resembling happiness.
This
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 concept will either not work at all, causing corruption in
society
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, or will make
people
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 unhappy and unmotivated.
Submitted by arinatiutina on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that you are providing clear logical connections between paragraphs. While your essay structure is mostly good, some transitions between the points could be more explicit to enhance cohesion.
task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples or evidence to support your arguments. This will strengthen the persuasion and completeness of your response.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction is very clear, and it effectively sets the stage for the rest of the essay. It is simple to understand your position right from the start.
task achievement
You maintain clear and comprehensive ideas throughout the essay, making it easy for the reader to follow your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion is concise yet effectively sums up your arguments, reinforcing your position on the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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