IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Behaviour is getting worse. Explain the causes of this problem and suggest some possible solutions.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Along with
Linking Words
 the development and changes in our society are the numerous issues about
drugs
Use synonyms
,
alcohol
Use synonyms
, and criminal
activities
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 observation asserts that human behaviours nowadays are becoming extreme and detrimental for everyone.
This
Linking Words
 essay will provide a number of causes and possible solutions to these unsafe behaviours.
Firstly
Linking Words
, illegal
activities
Use synonyms
 are mostly connected with
alcohol
Use synonyms
 and substance abuse. Most convicted prisoners are either using
alcohol
Use synonyms
 or dealing
drugs
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 poverty or intergenerational
trauma
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, there is a high number of Indigenous children involved with crimes in Australia because of a cycle of
trauma
Use synonyms
 and violence in the family. Their parents are unemployed and most of the time are under the influence of
drugs
Use synonyms
 or in prison.
According to
Linking Words
 the study published in the Australian Association of Social Workers, Indigenous parents are experiencing ongoing
trauma
Use synonyms
 from their abusive parents, which affected their parenting and most likely lost track of taking care of their children.
This
Linking Words
 ongoing
trauma
Use synonyms
 has a likelihood to continue especially when children grow up and have their own offspring. Considering the issues of Indigenous Australians, possible solutions are support from the government
along with
Linking Words
 their active collaboration with the Indigenous communities. By way of illustration, the Australian government can establish regular meetings with the elders of the Aboriginal communities to discuss ongoing
trauma
Use synonyms
 in order to tailor their interventions to the needs of Indigenous
people
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, governments in any country must collaborate and unite with their
people
Use synonyms
 to identify needs and strategies to end unlawful
activities
Use synonyms
 and rampant use of
drugs
Use synonyms
 and
alcohol
Use synonyms
. Governments can start with education and health departments to increase awareness and reach out to families. In conclusion, the unhealthy behaviours of
people
Use synonyms
 can be traced back to intergenerational
trauma
Use synonyms
 and poverty which increase the likelihood of criminal
activities
Use synonyms
 and substance abuse.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 issue can be resolved with the governments collaborating with their
people
Use synonyms
 by prioritising their needs, health and education.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a specific point related to the causes and solutions of the problem. Use topic sentences to clearly introduce the main ideas.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear and well-presented. Ensure that the introduction clearly states the issue and provides a preview of the essay.
lexical resource
Use a wider range of vocabulary to express ideas more precisely. Consider using synonyms, idiomatic expressions, and more varied sentence structures.
grammatical range
While there are some minor grammatical errors, overall, your use of grammar is effective in conveying your ideas. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and sentence structure to further improve your grammatical range.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: