IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 8

More and more people are becoming overweight. Some people suggest that increasing the price of fattening food is a solution，to what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #price #food #solution，to
In many countries around the world, more and more people are getting obese. It is argued that one of the solutions is to raise the
price
 of fattening
food
. I completely disagree with
this
 opinion. The primary reason for holding my view is that ready-made
food
,
such
 as McDonald's, is a cheaper dietary option compared to other meals and restaurants for the poor in some nations. Take a clear example, research reveals that fast
food
 has become one of the cheaper foods in Swiss and other countries. In
this
 case, a large proportion of the poor have no other choice but to choose those to consume.
Accordingly
, if the
price
 of high-fat
food
 is increased, it is possible to make the poor suffer from hunger.
Secondly
, ready-made foods are not the only factor that makes people overweight.
In other words
, a variety of reasons may give rise to obesity,
for instance
, a lack of exercise, heavy pressure, and getting older are
also
 factors that lead to the problem of being overweight.
Therefore
, if those prices are raised, not only will it not effectively solve the obesity problem, but it will
also
 deprive people of their
food
 options.
As a result
, in my opinion, it should advocate the importance of a healthy diet
instead
 of increasing the
price
 of fattening
food
. In conclusion, I disagree with increasing the
price
 since those are some of the
food
 options for some specific groups in society;
moreover
,
food
 is not the only reason for the obesity problem.
Submitted by sherry0588 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Overall, your essay provides a clear response to the prompt. However, the second body paragraph could be further developed to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion. The logical structure is clear and the ideas are well-connected. However, you could enhance the use of transition words to improve the flow of your essay.
lexical resource
Your use of vocabulary is appropriate and you convey your ideas effectively. However, consider incorporating more varied vocabulary to enhance your writing.
grammatical range
Your grammar is generally accurate and you use a range of sentence structures. However, pay attention to subject-verb agreement and verb tenses.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: