Celebrities are usually famous for glamour and wealth rather than their achievements. Some say taking them as an example can be dangerous for young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Nowadays, millions of actors are famous
due to
their wealth instead
of talent. Some human beings say that this
would be a dangerous situation for youth because of not working on their goals, whereas
others believe it would be beneficial for them. However
, I disagree with this
notion to a certain extent due to
possible reasons such
as a number of superstars having luxurious lives because of their struggle and talent.
To begin
with, the foremost reason for disagreeing to a certain level is their struggle which means, the majority of people are working hard in their life to accomplish their goals. In fact, a few celebrities explain in their shows that they perform their jobs hard to live a happy life. Shahrukh Khan, for example
, the king of Bollywood stars started his career as a background dancer because of low financial status. Moreover
, they guided the children about the benefits of dedication as well as
success and failures in their lives.
On the other side, certain humans believe that it has a few negative impacts on teenagers. Firstly
, the excessive posts of these celebrities not only confused them about reality but also
about social media. To explain further
, they believe that they don't need to put effort into their long-term achievements which is ultimately the reason for wasting time. Furthermore
, the growing number of girls and boys are following them as role models which affects
their decisions namely late-night parties, and the use of drugs.
Change the verb form
affect
To conclude
, there has been a big debate about whether the glamour of these superstars has a negative impact on youth or not. Some think it has a harmful effect on youngsters because of their high lifestyles. Nevertheless
, I disagree with this
statement to some extent as they are always educating the youth about their dedication and hard work.Submitted by buttargurpinder73 on
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task achievement
Work on framing your arguments more effectively, as some of your points could be better developed. Try to provide concise and accurate information rather than going around the point.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured with clear introductions, main bodies, and conclusions—keep this up. Also, you managed to support your main points with relevant examples but remember to fully develop your examples for the reader to understand your point better.
lexical resources
You have a good range of vocabulary, but try to focus more on vocabulary specific to the topic. Also avoid repetition of certain words and phrases.
grammatical range
Your control of grammar is good, but there are a few incorrect usages. Be aware of grammatical agreement and sentence structures. Using a wider range of grammatical structures will help increase your score.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.
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