Celebrities are usually famous for glamour and wealth rather than their achievements. Some say taking them as an example can be dangerous for young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#celebrities #glamour #wealth #achievements #say #people

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Nowadays, millions of actors are famous

due to

their wealth

instead

of talent. Some human beings say that

this

would be a dangerous situation for youth because of not working on their goals,

whereas

others believe it would be beneficial for them.

However

, I disagree with

this

notion to a certain extent

due to

possible reasons

such

as a number of superstars having luxurious lives because of their struggle and talent.

To begin

with, the foremost reason for disagreeing to a certain level is their struggle which means, the majority of people are working hard in their life to accomplish their goals. In fact, a few celebrities explain in their shows that they perform their jobs hard to live a happy life. Shahrukh Khan,

for example

, the king of Bollywood stars started his career as a background dancer because of low financial status.

Moreover

, they guided the children about the benefits of dedication

as well as

success and failures in their lives. On the other side, certain humans believe that it has a few negative impacts on teenagers.

Firstly

, the excessive posts of these celebrities not only confused them about reality but

also

about social media. To explain

further

, they believe that they don't need to put effort into their long-term achievements which is ultimately the reason for wasting time.

Furthermore

, the growing number of girls and boys are following them as role models which

affects

Change the verb form

affect

show examples

their decisions namely late-night parties, and the use of drugs.

To conclude

, there has been a big debate about whether the glamour of these superstars has a negative impact on youth or not. Some think it has a harmful effect on youngsters because of their high lifestyles.

Nevertheless

, I disagree with

this

statement to some extent as they are always educating the youth about their dedication and hard work.

Submitted by buttargurpinder73 on Tue Oct 31 2023

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task achievement

Work on framing your arguments more effectively, as some of your points could be better developed. Try to provide concise and accurate information rather than going around the point.

coherence cohesion

Your essay is well-structured with clear introductions, main bodies, and conclusions—keep this up. Also, you managed to support your main points with relevant examples but remember to fully develop your examples for the reader to understand your point better.

lexical resources

You have a good range of vocabulary, but try to focus more on vocabulary specific to the topic. Also avoid repetition of certain words and phrases.

grammatical range

Your control of grammar is good, but there are a few incorrect usages. Be aware of grammatical agreement and sentence structures. Using a wider range of grammatical structures will help increase your score.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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16
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
0
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 8.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 6.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 7.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

305 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

celebrities
glamour
wealth
achievements
dangerous
young people
idolized
aspire
materialistic
impressionable
personal growth
meaningful
goals
hard work
dedication
intellectual pursuits
positive impact
platform
parents
educators
role models
guiding
inspire
reach their full potential

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