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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has changed because of technology. In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships people make? Is this a positive or negative development?

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These days, there have been changes in how individuals interact with each other
as a result
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 of
technology
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. In my point of view,
this
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 is because, with
technology
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 surrounding us, we do not have to talk face-to-face if we want to talk which sometimes brings up miscommunication. One of the main problems is that we cannot prevent ourselves from the growth of
technology
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 which has affected how we build connections with others.
For
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this
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 reason, we already feel safe just to live in an online world that turns out hard to create relationships in real life. One example of
this
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 would be when coronavirus spread all over the world and every country went down, especially students who should study at their houses. I,
however
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, have to spend about two years chatting with my friends through applications.
Although
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 I and my friends most likely spend our time online, when those viruses are already gone and we can attend school again, we can not interact like normal
people
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. We are both shy and act like never had a conversation before. Some of my friends
also
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 experience the same, they say we can not know the real personality of a person on the internet, so after meeting them and finding out they are a bad influence, they will cut them off. Despite
this
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affects
Wrong verb form
affecting
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 how we communicate with other
people
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 and some of them leave negative development, I firmly believe that
technology
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 could help us to get in touch with our relatives who live or study abroad.
This
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 is because of the networking that has been spread all over the countries which makes
people
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 easily send messages without worrying about waiting.
For instance
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, when my dad studied abroad in Italy, he was never absent to give updates on his life every single day, so that my mom did not have to worry.
Nevertheless
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, when
technology
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 was not advanced in the past, my mom and dad sent a letter to each other and had to wait approximately a week before a letter returned. In conclusion,
besides
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 the upgrade of
technology
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 affecting the way
people
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 interact, it would have a positive impact too. As long as we use those rights without breaking the rules,
technology
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 will be the perfect way to communicate with our relatives.

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coherence cohesion
Your logical structure is quite clear as your thoughts are well-organized. Improve it by developing your paragraphs more logically. Make sure one paragraph discusses a single idea in order to not confuse your reader.
coherence cohesion
While you did a commendable job including both an introduction and a conclusion in your essay, they need to provide more clarity and summary. An excellent introduction should clearly define your standpoint, while the conclusion should summarize your main points and standpoints without introducing new ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are supported, but the support can be strengthened. Ensure your supporting ideas clearly align with your main points and are developed fully.
task achievement
Your essay provided a complete response, highlighted by your usage of relevant examples. However, you need to work on developing more comprehensive ideas and connecting those ideas to your overall argument.
task achievement
While you provided relevant specific examples, they were not always entirely clear or distinct from your main ideas. Improve on this by making sure your examples are immediately recognizable as such and that they explicitly support your main ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Interact
  • Social media platforms
  • Networking
  • Instant messaging
  • Face-to-face interaction
  • Misunderstandings
  • Emotional context
  • Superficial connections
  • Deceptive identities
  • Privacy concerns
  • Social skills
  • Video calls
  • Online presence
  • Digital communication
  • Cyber relationships
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