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Band 4

Extreme sports such as sky diving and skiing are very dangerous and should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

#sports #sky
Some
indiviuals
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individuals
individual
 thought
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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that sports like skydiving and skiing are not safe and
for
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apply
show examples
that should not be allowed. I consider myself an opponent of
this
 perspective
due to
 a couple of
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 that I am going to discuss in
this
 essay.
Firstly
, so-called dangerous sports are not as
a
Correct article usage
apply
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dangerous as a lot of
people
 think. They require hard training,
high quality
Add a hyphen
high-quality
show examples
 materials and of course being in mental and physical health.
For example
, it is need to do some training courses and
jumpings
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jump
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 with a professional before
do
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apply
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parachuting by yourself.
Furthermore
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Furthermore,
show examples
 the
equipemt
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equipment
 is
allways
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always
 checked by two
people
, to ensure
the
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its
show examples
 quality and if it is properly installed.
Therefore
,
people
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for people
show examples
 who
knows
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know
show examples
 what they are doing the chances of it going bad are really small.
Secondly
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Secondly,
show examples
 extreme athletes are conscious about the kind of sport that they are doing and the
consequencies
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consequences
 that may have.
However
 non-experimental
people
doesn't
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don't
show examples
 have
this
 in mind.
Such
 us beginner
skier
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skiers
show examples
 or
snowboarder
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snowboarders
show examples
 that got out off-piste and they don't have enough experience.
This
 selfish act
,
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apply
show examples
 put
recue
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rescue
equipment's
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equipments
equipment
show examples
 in danger.
Moreover
,
this
have
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has
show examples
 a huge cost that may not
include
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be included
show examples
 in the insurance that they paid because it is off-piste. In conclusion, I
belive
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believe
show examples
 that
banned
Wrong verb form
banning
show examples
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 sports
it
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apply
show examples
is not the solution,
otherwise
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otherwise,
show examples
 I think that
concern
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concerning
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 inhabitants about the danger and effects of doing these activities without preparation
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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is vital and
more
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a more
show examples
efective
Correct your spelling
effective
 result.
Submitted by bertavicedovillarraso on

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task response
Ensure that all parts of the question prompt are addressed.
coherence cohesion
Organize your ideas in a clear and logical structure. Use appropriate paragraphing.
lexical resource
Expand your range of vocabulary and use more precise and varied expressions.
grammatical range
Pay attention to your sentence structure and grammar usage. Use a variety of sentence types and avoid errors.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • adrenaline rush
  • risk threshold
  • thrill-seeking
  • safety protocols
  • hazard assessment
  • adventure tourism
  • regulatory framework
  • personal autonomy
  • informed consent
  • risk mitigation strategies
  • thrill-seeking behavior
  • protective gear
  • extreme athleticism
  • freedom of choice
  • accident prevalence
  • emergency response
  • courage and resilience
  • endorphin release
  • legal implications
  • peer pressure effects
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