IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

57.Nowadays, there are many television advertisements aimed at children. What are the effects of these advertisments on children? Should TV advertisements be controlled?

#television #advertisements #children #effects #advertisments #tv
It is argued that there are many announcements that are directed at kids.
This
 causes
children
 to want to buy many types of games, and
this
 should be controlled because it can cause economic problems for some kids. An increasing number of toy and video game companies are trying to sell games and products that young people like by advertisement.
This
 is because they know what the
children
 really want, so the companies will make the publicity interesting, and unreal so it can catch
children
’s eyes, and persuade them to buy it. So
children
 will ask their
parents
 to purchase it for them, and normally
parents
 will purchase it if their
children
 really like it. Recent research concluded that game publicity is one of the most successful announcements, which is able to increase sales by almost 80%: These advertisements should be controlled because there are similar products from different companies, but the way they show the product makes the kid want all of them, because they may have a small difference, and
this
 causes some families to spend too much money on their kids, and
as a consequence
, they have no savings, but high expenses.
For example
, most
children
, when they want something, ask their
parents
 for it, and if the
parents
 are not willing to buy it, the kid will start to cry and shout in the shop, and the
parents
 have no option but to buy it, so their child will stop crying and making noise that disturbs others. In conclusion, advertisements dedicated to
children
 make
children
 more interested in the games and want to buy all kinds of products, and
this
 should be controlled because families' expenses will increase.
Submitted by elenazheng1211 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

logical structure
Provide a clearer introduction and conclusion to the essay.
supported main points
Ensure that each main point is supported with sufficient evidence or explanation.
relevant specific examples
Provide more specific and relevant examples to support your ideas.
complete response
Ensure that you address all aspects of the task prompt.
coherence cohesion
Organize your ideas more effectively and improve the coherence between sentences and paragraphs.
lexical resource
Expand your vocabulary and use more varied and precise language.
grammatical range
Work on improving the accuracy of your grammar and sentence structures.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: