59.Advertising discourages people from being different individuals by making us all want to do the same and look the same. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is argued that publicity makes individuals stop being different and makes
people
want to be physically and mentally the same as others.
This
essay completely agrees with
this
statement because advertising persuades
people
to buy the same
product
and tries to make them “special” by buying their
products
. Normally companies will contact famous
people
who have a lot of fans to make advertisements for their
products
because it is easier for celebrities to contact a larger amount of
people
.
Also
, as the
product
is recommended by someone that the consumers like and trust,
then
, individuals are willing to buy it even though they do not like it, and
this
causes a large number of
people
to have the same things. Recent research concluded, that when
products
that are endorsed by celebrities are ten times more easily to be sold. There are many clothing, jewellery and bag announcements which show that only a small number of
people
can have them, and if they buy them,
then
they are special and superior to others.
This
is because companies know what the consumers are looking for, so they try to make the publicity sound like what individuals want, so the brands can increase the
products
purchased.
For example
, there are many perfume and bag advertisements, in which they will comment that in order to follow modern fashion,
people
should buy their
product
since is the most popular
product
in the world. In conclusion, publicity leads to a huge number of
people
buying the same
product
, and because of how the advertisements are made,
people
are willing to buy
products
to be more fashionable, I,
therefore
, believe that announcements make
people
look alike.
Submitted by elenazheng1211 on

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Task Response
Though the essay is largely on topic and the ideas are well organised, it would benefit from further developing your ideas. Try to extend or present more perspectives to your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has clear coherence and cohesion, with proper use of introductions and conclusions. However, some paragraphs might benefit more from clear linking sentences to guide the reader through your line of thought.
Lexical Resource
You possess a wide vocabulary, allowing you to express your ideas effectively. But remember using complex words only if they fit naturally into the context. Overcomplication might lead to mistakes. For example, 'publicity' isn't the most suitable way to refer to advertising.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Your grammatical range is quite good, but some sentences feel awkward or unnecessarily complex. Try to balance between simple and complex sentences, aiming for clarity above all things.

Your opinion

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