IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

59.Advertising discourages people from being different individuals by making us all want to do the same and look the same. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is argued that publicity makes individuals stop being different and makes
people
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 want to be physically and mentally the same as others.
This
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 essay completely agrees with
this
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 statement because advertising persuades
people
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 to buy the same
product
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 and tries to make them “special” by buying their
products
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. Normally companies will contact famous
people
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 who have a lot of fans to make advertisements for their
products
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 because it is easier for celebrities to contact a larger amount of
people
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.
Also
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, as the
product
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 is recommended by someone that the consumers like and trust,
then
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, individuals are willing to buy it even though they do not like it, and
this
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 causes a large number of
people
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 to have the same things. Recent research concluded, that when
products
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 that are endorsed by celebrities are ten times more easily to be sold. There are many clothing, jewellery and bag announcements which show that only a small number of
people
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 can have them, and if they buy them,
then
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 they are special and superior to others.
This
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 is because companies know what the consumers are looking for, so they try to make the publicity sound like what individuals want, so the brands can increase the
products
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 purchased.
For example
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, there are many perfume and bag advertisements, in which they will comment that in order to follow modern fashion,
people
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 should buy their
product
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 since is the most popular
product
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 in the world. In conclusion, publicity leads to a huge number of
people
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 buying the same
product
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, and because of how the advertisements are made,
people
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 are willing to buy
products
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 to be more fashionable, I,
therefore
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, believe that announcements make
people
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 look alike.

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Task Response
Though the essay is largely on topic and the ideas are well organised, it would benefit from further developing your ideas. Try to extend or present more perspectives to your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has clear coherence and cohesion, with proper use of introductions and conclusions. However, some paragraphs might benefit more from clear linking sentences to guide the reader through your line of thought.
Lexical Resource
You possess a wide vocabulary, allowing you to express your ideas effectively. But remember using complex words only if they fit naturally into the context. Overcomplication might lead to mistakes. For example, 'publicity' isn't the most suitable way to refer to advertising.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Your grammatical range is quite good, but some sentences feel awkward or unnecessarily complex. Try to balance between simple and complex sentences, aiming for clarity above all things.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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