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Band 6

Some people say that the education system is the only critical factor in development of a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #education #system #factor #development #country
It is argued the only priority in a
society
 that leads to
country
 improvement is the system of education.
However
,
this
 essay doesn’t agree with
this
 idea on account there are many other crucial factors including
health
 system, transportation, social service etc. that are equally effective in the growth of a nation.
Firstly
, it is proved that if a human is educated well but their
health
 situation isn’t good, they can’t use their knowledge and be productive as much as a well-being person can be.
As a result
, the
health
 system should be organized and provide a suitable platform for ensuring individuals'
health
.
On the other hand
, a useful
society
 must care about elder
people
 and offer them special
health
 services to them. In America,
for instance
, there are many various insurance that support
people
 when they get older and weaker. When
people
 make sure that they will be supported in terms of
health
 services, they can focus on their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 and
work
,
therefore
, the
country
 will level up in different aspects.
Secondly
, a
country
also
 has to look after transport facilities because local businesses are dependent on
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
.
As well as
 in my
country
,
for instance
, the main organizations are in the capital and every day thousands of
people
 from other cities come to Tehran to pursue their business or go to their
work
.
In other words
, if public transportation can’t fulfil
people
's demands, there will be many disturbances in
people
's lives and even environmental problems
such
 as air pollution will happen.
As a result
,
such
 a
society
 will not have efficient output.
In contrast
, a significant proportion believed that everything is based on education but
society
 is a structure made up of different and related parts .It will
work
 properly and go on the path of progress when all its parts
work
 properly. In conclusion, it can be said development depends on various vital factors. The government had better focus on all aspects that lead towards building an outstanding community.
Submitted by nataly280480 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that relates to the thesis statement. This will help improve the logical structure of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-presented. Make sure to include a thesis statement in your introduction to clearly state your position on the topic.
lexical resource
Use a wider range of vocabulary to enhance the lexical resource of your essay.
grammatical range
Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar to improve the grammatical range of your writing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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