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Writing Samples
Band 6

Today, the life expectancy of people is much higher than before. Some people think that older should continue to be involved in the workplace. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#life #expectancy #people #workplace
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Today, the life expectancy of
people
Use synonyms
 is much higher than before. Some
people
Use synonyms
 think that older should continue to be involved in the
workplace
Use synonyms
. To what extent do you agree or disagree? These days, the life expectancy of
people
Use synonyms
 is higher than
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 past. Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that older
people
Use synonyms
 should involve them in the
workplace
Use synonyms
. I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 viewpoint because it is beneficial for the
health
Use synonyms
 of old
people
Use synonyms
, and it makes them financially independent. If old
people
Use synonyms
 involve them in the
workplace
Use synonyms
, it is beneficial for their
health
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. Working requires numerous physical activities and it keeps their physical
heath
Correct your spelling
health
show examples
 and minds fit. If old
people
Use synonyms
 do not involve them in physical activities, their body will not get proper movement and it is not good for their
health
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.
Consequently
Linking Words
, they will suffer from numerous diseases
such
Linking Words
 as diabetes, obesity, dementia and many more.
For example
Linking Words
, in Australia, many doctors advise old
people
Use synonyms
 to continue their
work
Use synonyms
 as
Use synonyms
work as
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
long as they can. Those who
work
Use synonyms
 have
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
fewer chances of suffering from age-related diseases.
Moreover
Linking Words
, working helps old
people
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 to become financially independent. Many old persons suffer from financial problems when they leave their jobs because of their age.
As a result
Linking Words
, to earn their livelihood, they depend on their children. If they can
work
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, they will bear their own expenses and there will be no need to depend on their children for money.
This
Linking Words
 will make them self-made and save their dignity.
For example
Linking Words
, in the USA, around 74% of
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
 have said that they want to
work
Use synonyms
 as much as they can because it helps them to bear their expenses. In conclusion, I agree that old
people
Use synonyms
 should join in the
workplace
Use synonyms
. It will be good for their
health
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, and they will become financially independent if they
work
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance the logical structure, consider using more varied linking words and phrases to demonstrate the relationships between ideas more clearly.
Task Achievement
While your arguments are well-supported, consider adding counterarguments to strengthen your essay further by acknowledging and addressing potential objections.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have effectively included an introduction and conclusion which neatly bookend your essay.
Task Achievement
The essay covers all parts of the task, providing a complete response to the question.
Task Achievement
Specific examples, such as those from Australia and the USA, are effectively used to support your main points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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