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Band 6

Some people say that the education system is the only critical factor in development of a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #education #system #factor #development #country
It is argued that the only priority in a
society
 leading to the improvement of a country is the education
system
;
However
,
this
 essay does not agree with
this
 idea on account that there are many other crucial factors including the
health
system
, transportation and social services in which they are equally effective in the growth of a nation.
Firstly
, it is proved that if a human is educated well but their
health
 situation is not good, they cannot use their knowledge and be productive as a healthy person can be.
As a result
, the
health
system
 should be organized and provide a suitable platform for ensuring individuals'
health
.
On the other hand
, a prosperous
society
 must care about old
people
 and offer them special
health
 services . In America,
for instance
, there are many various insurance that support
people
 when they get older and weaker. When
people
 make sure that they will be supported in terms of
health
 services, they can focus on their lives and
work
;
therefore
, the country will level up in different aspects.
Secondly
, a country
also
 has to look after transport facilities because local businesses are dependent on them. In Iran ,
for instance
, the main organizations are in the capital city and every day thousands of
people
 from other cities commute to Tehran for
work
.
In other words
, if the public transportation
system
 cannot fulfil the community's demands, there will be many disturbances in individuals' lives and even in the environment like air pollution .
As a result
,
such
 a
society
 will not have efficient output.
In contrast
, a significant proportion believed that everything is based on education but
society
 is a structure made up of different parts .It will
work
 properly and go on the path of progress when all its parts
work
 properly. In conclusion, it can be said development depends on various vital factors. The government had better focus on all aspects that lead towards building an outstanding community.
Submitted by nataly280480 on

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task response
Make sure to directly address the prompt. In this essay, you should clearly state your position on whether the education system is the only critical factor in the development of a country.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is generally clear. However, the introduction should provide a clear thesis statement, and the conclusion should summarize your main points and restate your position.
lexical resource
Your use of vocabulary is appropriate, but you could enhance it by incorporating more varied and precise vocabulary to convey your ideas effectively.
grammatical range
There are minor errors in sentence structure and grammar throughout the essay. Review your use of verb tenses, subject-verb agreement, and word order.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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