IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Nowadays there is a growing amount of advertising aimed at children. Some people think this has negative effects on children and should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#amount #children #people #effects
It is argued that the
commercials
 aimed at
juveniles
 should be limited to negative influences. Personally, I agree with the statement that it ought to make an appropriate censorship to regulate. On the one hand, it is undeniable that the commercial industry leads to abundant job opportunities for employees. If the government sets limitations on advertising, it may contribute to a certain of workers being laid off.
Consequently
, the nation has to allocate a certain of expenditure on unemployment support funding.
In addition
,
advertisements
 create enormous revenues
as well as
 commercial merits.
For instance
, in well-known enterprises
such
 as Facebook and Google,
advertisements
 account for a large proportion of revenue among these companies.
Therefore
, letting advertising develop without limitations can not only improve a country’s economy but
also
 create more benefits.
However
, in my opinion, some
commercials
 that are aimed at
children
 have several negative effects on
juveniles
.
Firstly
,
Children
 lack the ability to think critically.
In other words
, they are unlikely to independently determine the information disseminated from
advertisements
 between right and wrong.
Hence
, these
commercials
 may misguide them to compulsively buy the items they do not need.
Secondly
,
advertisements
 may bring incorrect habits to
juveniles
.
For example
, with the wide spread of McDonald’s
advertisements
, some
children
 started to eat junk foods; even causing an unhealthy dietary habit in their childhood.
As a result
, on no account can we ignore the importance of censored limitations on
commercials
 that aim at
children
. In conclusion, despite the fact that
advertisements
 are able to improve a nation’s economy, I believe that we should impose a sensible ban on some particular advertising aimed at
juveniles
.
Submitted by sherry0588 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Ensure that your arguments are supported with clear and relevant examples and explanations. Use specific evidence to support your points.
coherence and cohesion
Work on connecting your ideas more clearly. Use cohesive devices such as transition words and linking phrases to improve the flow of your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Targeted advertising
  • Psychological development
  • Artificial needs
  • Unhealthy eating habits
  • Materialism
  • Consumerism
  • Parental responsibility
  • Critical thinking
  • Informative content
  • Economic implications
  • Revenue generation
  • Content creation
What to do next:
Look at other essays: