IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

69.Some people say government should give health care the first priorities, some others believe there are more important priorities to spend the tax payers’ money. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #government #health #care #first #priorities #tax #payers’ #money
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Some say that
health
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care
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 should be the most important aspect that the
government
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 should consider,
while
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 others will argue that there are other areas where money is needed.
This
Linking Words
 essay will argue that
although
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health
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 is an area that the
government
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 should think about, there are other aspects that are equally important. On the one hand, a certain amount of tax money has to go to
health
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care
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 services.
This
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 is because there are too many illnesses and diseases that are rising, and vaccines, medicine and treatment are very expensive, which may cause death of
people
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, since some
individuals
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 do not have enough money to take the treatments, the
government
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 should spend their funds to save lives.
For instance
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, in the United States, going to medical
care
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 is very expensive, and
individuals
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 are unable to pay the price of the treatment or surgery.
However
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, I believe that the
government
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 should spend part of their financial resource, but it is not the most important, since there are other aspects that are
also
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 important.
On the other hand
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, poverty is a problem that the
government
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 need to solve too.
This
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 is because there are rich
people
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, middle-class
individuals
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 and poor
people
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 in all countries, the poor
people
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 suffer from hunger and sometimes they may not even have water, and
individuals
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 need these essential resources to be alive.
For instance
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, in Spain, there are a lot of poor
people
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 that live in the streets, and the
government
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 years ago started to install free water sources for these
people
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 and those that for whatever reason needed. In my opinion, the
government
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 should spread their funds so can be used in different areas and solve as many problems as possible. In conclusion,
although
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health
Use synonyms
care
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 is a key aspect that the
government
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 should consider, there are still many issues that the
government
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also
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 need to solve, so all have the same importance.
Submitted by elenazheng1211 on

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task response
The introduction lacks a clear thesis statement. Provide a clear opinion and an outline of the main points to be discussed.
task response
The essay lacks clear introduction and conclusion paragraphs. Ensure a clear introduction with a thesis statement and a conclusion that summarizes the main points.
coherence and cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is somewhat clear but can be improved. Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and follow a logical order of ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Use more cohesive devices to better connect ideas within and between sentences and paragraphs.
lexical resource
The essay shows a good range of vocabulary, but more precise and varied word choices can enhance the lexical resource.
grammatical range
Use more sophisticated sentence structures and a wider variety of grammar to demonstrate a higher grammatical range.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • productive society
  • preventative care
  • chronic diseases
  • moral and ethical responsibility
  • access to healthcare
  • infrastructure
  • economic growth
  • national security
  • balanced budget
  • critical areas
What to do next:
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