IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

69.Some people say government should give health care the first priorities, some others believe there are more important priorities to spend the tax payers’ money. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #government #health #care #first #priorities #tax #payers’ #money
Some say that
health
care
 should be the most important aspect that the
government
 should consider,
while
 others will argue that there are other areas where money is needed.
This
 essay will argue that
although
health
 is an area that the
government
 should think about, there are other aspects that are equally important. On the one hand, a certain amount of tax money has to go to
health
care
 services.
This
 is because there are too many illnesses and diseases that are rising, and vaccines, medicine and treatment are very expensive, which may cause death of
people
, since some
individuals
 do not have enough money to take the treatments, the
government
 should spend their funds to save lives.
For instance
, in the United States, going to medical
care
 is very expensive, and
individuals
 are unable to pay the price of the treatment or surgery.
However
, I believe that the
government
 should spend part of their financial resource, but it is not the most important, since there are other aspects that are
also
 important.
On the other hand
, poverty is a problem that the
government
 need to solve too.
This
 is because there are rich
people
, middle-class
individuals
 and poor
people
 in all countries, the poor
people
 suffer from hunger and sometimes they may not even have water, and
individuals
 need these essential resources to be alive.
For instance
, in Spain, there are a lot of poor
people
 that live in the streets, and the
government
 years ago started to install free water sources for these
people
 and those that for whatever reason needed. In my opinion, the
government
 should spread their funds so can be used in different areas and solve as many problems as possible. In conclusion,
although
health
care
 is a key aspect that the
government
 should consider, there are still many issues that the
government
also
 need to solve, so all have the same importance.
Submitted by elenazheng1211 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The introduction lacks a clear thesis statement. Provide a clear opinion and an outline of the main points to be discussed.
task response
The essay lacks clear introduction and conclusion paragraphs. Ensure a clear introduction with a thesis statement and a conclusion that summarizes the main points.
coherence and cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is somewhat clear but can be improved. Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and follow a logical order of ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Use more cohesive devices to better connect ideas within and between sentences and paragraphs.
lexical resource
The essay shows a good range of vocabulary, but more precise and varied word choices can enhance the lexical resource.
grammatical range
Use more sophisticated sentence structures and a wider variety of grammar to demonstrate a higher grammatical range.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • productive society
  • preventative care
  • chronic diseases
  • moral and ethical responsibility
  • access to healthcare
  • infrastructure
  • economic growth
  • national security
  • balanced budget
  • critical areas
What to do next:
Look at other essays: