IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

84.Some people think that in this modern world people are getting dependent on each other, while others think the modern world makes people more independent of each other. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

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Some say that in the modern world, individuals are becoming dependent on
others
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,
while
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others
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 would argue that the modern world makes
people
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 more independent.
This
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 essay will argue that
although
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people
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 do ask for more opinions from
others
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, humans prefer to do things by themselves. On the one hand, in the modern era, it is essential to have interaction with
others
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, and
this
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 requires
people
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 to rely on
others
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.
Also
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,
people
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 depend on their
parents
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 to have an education or look for a job, and when these
people
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 are adults,
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then
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apply
show examples
their children and their
parents
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 will rely on them.
For example
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, the price of education, housing, basic needs, all these are paid by the
parents
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 until the individuals get older.
However
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, I believe that in most places
people
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 are trying to live by themselves.
On the other hand
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, in many countries, young children are trying to support their education and living costs. Normally when
people
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 start studying at university will prefer to live alone, far from their family, so they can start experiencing life without their
parents
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. As well, now
parents
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 will allow their children to pick the school or job that they like, without intervening in the case.
For instance
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, many
people
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 these days will choose a career that they like,
instead
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 of what their
parents
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 recommend to them. In my opinion, now
people
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 are more capable of telling their opinion to
others
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, no matter what the
others
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 think, which causes independence. In conclusion,
although
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 when
people
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 are still small need to depend on their
parents
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, when they grow up, they will have their own thoughts and will get independent from their families, and
that is
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 why, I think that in the modern era
people
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 are getting more independent.

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task response
The essay addresses the prompt and presents relevant arguments, but lacks in-depth analysis and supporting examples. Make sure to provide more detailed and specific examples to strengthen your points.
coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates a basic logical structure with an introduction and conclusion, but the flow of ideas could be improved by using more cohesive devices and clearer transitions between paragraphs.
lexical resource
The essay displays a fair range of vocabulary and language use, but there is room for improvement in using more varied and precise vocabulary to express ideas and opinions effectively.
grammatical range
There are some grammatical errors and inaccuracies in the essay. Try to focus on sentence structure, verb tenses, and word forms to enhance the overall grammatical accuracy of your writing.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • interdependence
  • globalization
  • technological advancements
  • collective action
  • digital evolution
  • minimal reliance
  • direct interaction
  • empowered
  • access to technology
  • societal expectations
  • personal choice
  • leverage
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