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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the average monthly use of health club in Miami and Florida by all full-time members in 2017. The pie charts show the age profile of male and female members of this health club.

The graph below shows the average monthly use of health club in Miami and Florida by all full-time members in 2017. The pie charts show the age profile of male and female members of this health club.
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The bar chart and the pie chart reported the monthly
usage
Use synonyms
 of
health
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
club
Fix the agreement mistake
clubs
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 by different genders in Miami and Florida in 2017, and the share of male and female membership in different ages.
Overall
Linking Words
,
men
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 used more
health
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Use synonyms
club
Fix the agreement mistake
clubs
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 than
women
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 throughout the entire year, and there were more younger male members compared to females. Turning into details, there was a fluctuation in the number of
men
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 and
women
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 in the monthly
usage
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 of
health
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club
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,
while
Linking Words
 the
usage
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 of
men
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 has more changes than
women
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. The lowest
usage
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 of
health
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Use synonyms
club
Fix the agreement mistake
clubs
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 in
male
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males
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is
Wrong verb form
was
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 February in 2017, which
had
Verb problem
was
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 about 550
times
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,
then
Linking Words
 it reached
the
Correct article usage
a
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 peak
to
Change preposition
of
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 nearly 900
times
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 in June, before falling back to 600
times
Use synonyms
at the end
Linking Words
 of the year. In terms of
women
Use synonyms
, the first 2 months in 2017 were the lowest in
usage
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, which had 500
times
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
apply
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each month,
while
Linking Words
 the highest
usage
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 was in August and September, which had over 700
times
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 each. For the ages of the
club
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 members, there were over half
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men
Change preposition
of men
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 between 21 to 45,
while
Linking Words
women
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 only
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
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50% under
this
Linking Words
 age range. In comparison to
men
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, there were more
women
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 members over 65, which was 6% more than
men
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.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words usage, health, club, men, women, times with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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