IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Nowadays, many schools find it profitable to sell unhealthy food and sugary drinks to students during lunch breaks. Is this a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#schools #food #drinks #students #lunch #breaks #development
So far, pupils
take
Verb problem
eat
show examples
 unhealthy cuisine and sugar drinks and a lot of schools earn money from
this
 circumstance and supply benefits. In my opinion, there are negative improvements. ı will outline the reason in the following paragraphs. First of all, many schools that make money unhealthy can sell food and
students
 might eat something like that. Nowadays,
students
 do not eat and drink at home
due to
 parents have been working all of
time
Add an article
the time
show examples
 and
this people
Change the determiner
this person
these people
show examples
 do not
rise
Correct your spelling
raise
show examples
 a child
therefore
 many pupils prefer
eat
Fix the infinitive
to eat
show examples
 unhealthy food at
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school
moreover
 either
students
 lose weight or gain
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
weight because of unhealthy life.
for instance
 ı have a nephew who
go
Change the verb form
goes
show examples
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school when she commence she has got thin face but after
that
Add a comma
that,
show examples
 she put on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
weight and one of the
students
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
this
 issue
furthermore
 everyone
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
 not do about
this
 subject
particularly
Add the comma(s)
, particularly
show examples
 the government. In my view, the government should have scrutinized the use of the ingredients if it is to control
students
 or teachers which may be hazardous. Columbia University docent doctor Alex
graham bell
Correct your spelling
Graham Bell
show examples
 articulates that young people should nutrition regularly every time. it is significant stuff because between 15 -
25
Correct word choice
and 25
show examples
 in ages is improving muscles. At the same
time
Add a comma
time,
show examples
 parents pay attention to the situation. It seems that these conditions might be perilous
hence
 everyone should produce our children.
Conclusion
Change preposition
In conclusion
show examples
, the government should take control of all academic places and
besides
 people who have a child, they should pay attention. schools do not allow selling unhealthy food.
Submitted by iremerdem017 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure of your essay to enhance coherence and cohesion. Ensure that your introduction and conclusion are well-developed.Increase the relevance and clarity of your examples and ideas to fully address the task.
task achievement
Address all aspects of the task prompt thoroughly and provide relevant and clear examples from your own knowledge or experience. Ensure that your ideas support your stance effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: