IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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Nowadays, children have a great tendency to spend as much time as possible on their phones, and they tend to play online games or chat with their friends on social media. I consider
this
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 habit pretty harmful and disadvantageous
due to
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 the reasons which will be discussed in
this
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 essay.
Firstly
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, in terms of the reasons behind
this
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 trend, I should mention the fact that
this
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 new technology has been built in a way to be appealing and attractive for children. They have access to a wide range of information, pictures, applications and many other exciting features, and it is not surprising that they like to spend time and explore these sparkling aspects thoroughly.
Secondly
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, kids do not experience outdoor activities the same as in the past. They are imprisoned in the apartments, and they don’t have much tangible communication with their peers.
As a result
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, they tend to stay indoors and relate with their friends through cell phones.
Moreover
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, in the
last
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 few years, the usage of the internet and mobile phones has increased dramatically, and it is
due to
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 the COVID-19 pandemic. Throughout that era, juveniles were deprived of real classrooms, and they were locked in their houses.
As a result
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, they are unaccustomed to face-to-face relationships or physical exercise. To put it in a nutshell,
this
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 phenomenon stems from so many fundamental and basic causes which we need to identify and erase. As a whole,
this
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 is a negative development and lead to more isolated human beings in the near future.
Submitted by mehrasa.elahian on

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task achievement
The essay addresses the topic, but the main points could be more fully developed with specific examples. Some points are stated but not sufficiently elaborated upon.
coherence and cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is somewhat clear, but transitions between ideas could be smoother. The introduction and conclusion are present but could be more impactful.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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