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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the average monthly use of health club in Miami and Florida by all full-time members in 2017. The pie charts show the age profile of male and female members of this health club.

The graph below shows the average monthly use of health club in Miami and Florida by all full-time members in 2017. The pie charts show the age profile of male and female members of this health club.
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The graph illustrates the average use of health
Use synonyms
club
Fix the agreement mistake
clubs
show examples
 during
one
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
month
Correct your spelling
one-month
show examples
 period in two different cities Miami and Florida by all full-time
members
Use synonyms
 in 2017. The pie charts present the
age
Use synonyms
 ratio of the health
club
Use synonyms
members
Use synonyms
 of both
sex
Change to a plural noun
sexes
show examples
.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen clearly that,
according to
Linking Words
chart
Correct article usage
the chart
show examples
 male are more active as
compare
Change the form of the verb
compared
show examples
 to female
as well as
Linking Words
 by the
the
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
pie
charts
Fix the agreement mistake
chart
show examples
 it's indicated that
21
Correct article usage
the 21
show examples
-45
age
Use synonyms
 group are more actively
participated
Wrong verb form
participating
show examples
 in both
gender
Change to a plural noun
genders
show examples
.
According to
Linking Words
graph
Correct article usage
the graph
show examples
, in the month of June to
September
Add a comma
September,
show examples
 more
members
Use synonyms
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
actively
participaed
Correct your spelling
participated
participate
 in
health
Correct article usage
the health
show examples
Use synonyms
club
Fix the agreement mistake
clubs
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 was more than 800
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and approximately around 700
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
,
Correct article usage
the entirely
show examples
entirely
Change the word
entire
show examples
 year of ratio for both sex have 500 or more other months. On the other side, male
members
Use synonyms
having
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
 a 5 % more as
compare
Change the form of the verb
compared
show examples
 to
opposite
Correct article usage
the opposite
show examples
 gender
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 was around 55%. But, more than
quarter
Correct article usage
a quarter
show examples
 of people
who
Verb problem
are
show examples
age
Use synonyms
 more than 65
year
Change to a plural noun
years
show examples
.
Correct word choice
old.
show examples
Moreover
Linking Words
,
Correct article usage
the others
show examples
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
age
Use synonyms
 group was around 20% for
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
and 19% for female
members
Use synonyms
 involved in
Use synonyms
club
Fix the agreement mistake
clubs
show examples
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "according to".
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 73%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words club, members, age with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "compare" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "ratio" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 3 times.
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