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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below indicates the number of people who have heart attacks every year in the US

The chart below indicates the number of people who have heart attacks every year in the US
The bar chart compares the
number
Use synonyms
 of individuals (in different
age
Use synonyms
 groups) who have
anual
Correct your spelling
annual
heart
Use synonyms
 attacks in the US.
Overall
Linking Words
, the
heart
Use synonyms
 attack yearly rates, for both males and females, are increasing during their ages.
However
Linking Words
, the numbers for men are always higher than those for
women
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
, just 3000
women
Use synonyms
, aged from 29 to 44, experience these
heart
Use synonyms
 issues per year, accounting for the lowest
number
Use synonyms
 in the chart.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the
number
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for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 males is significantly greater, at 123000, in the same
age
Use synonyms
 category. Looking at
males
Change the noun form
male
show examples
 statistics, who are 45-64 years old (424),
provides
Correct subject-verb agreement
provide
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 similar
number
Use synonyms
 compared to those who are older than 65, at 440.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, only 136000
women
Use synonyms
 undergo
heart
Use synonyms
 problems at the
age
Use synonyms
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 45-64, representing the second lowest
number
Use synonyms
 in the chart after those who are 29-44 years old.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
number
Use synonyms
 has
gramatically
Correct your spelling
dramatically
 increased by the
age
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 of 65 and older, to 374, illustrating the largest
number
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 of
heart
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 attacks among
women
Use synonyms
.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "on the other hand".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, age, heart, women with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "compares" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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