Today many young people spend too much of thier free time at shopping malls.This can be considered negative for young people and society generally.To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement.
It is often believed that the increase in young adults spending in shopping
malls
is a negative development for themselves and society. I partially agree with this
, for the declining opportunities to go out for exercise regardless of the fact they are more likely to engage in an actual interaction with others
.
On the one hand, it is disadvantageous for young people
and society when they spend more time
in shopping centres from a perspective of their health. In other words
, they are more likely to either watch movies or eat sweets and food in restaurants, which increases their health concerns due to
their continuous sedentary acts as well as
consumption of sugary and greasy products. Furthermore
, the growing attraction provided by recent malls
discourages them from playing sports outside, promoting the lack of exercise and an increasing rate of obesity among young adults. Therefore
, the trend of the youth spending their free time
in shopping centres is not beneficial since they would not be able to gain enough stamina and strengthen their muscles, which are essential to support their life.
On the other hand
, spending time
in shopping facilities has a positive effect on the development of a relationship among young people
. Indeed, face-to-face communication plays a significant role not only in promoting the understanding of each other but also
in increasing their sense of care and respect for their friends and family. For instance
, they tend to be more thankful for cheerful support and unique jokes of their friends to make them laugh when they feel depressed from failing academic performance. Thus
, chatting with others
in shopping malls
is valuable as they are more encouraged to realize the importance of others
to establish trust whereas
more young people
depend on their smartphones for communication and lose actual contact with other people
.
In conclusion, I somewhat agree that young people
should not spend more time
in shopping malls
as it leads to their declining physical conditions due to
the lack of exercise outside. However
, there is some potential advantage in that they are more likely to show their sympathy for others
, resulting in a successful relationship.Submitted by mizuho on
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introduction conclusion present
While your introduction provides a clear stance, it could be more concise. Try to rephrase it to avoid slight redundancy.
clear comprehensive ideas
In some sections, the essay could benefit from more concise phrasing to enhance clarity.
complete response
The essay presents a balanced perspective by addressing both the negative and positive aspects of the topic, showcasing a comprehensive response.
logical structure
Logical and effective structure with clear paragraphs that flow well from one to the next, maintaining coherence and cohesion.
relevant specific examples
Relevant and specific examples are used effectively to support the points made, which enrich the overall argument.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
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‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.
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