Today many young people spend too much of thier free time at shopping malls.This can be considered negative for young people and society generally.To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement.

It is often believed that the increase in young adults spending in shopping
malls
is a negative development for themselves and society. I partially agree with
this
, for the declining opportunities to go out for exercise regardless of the fact they are more likely to engage in an actual interaction with
others
. On the one hand, it is disadvantageous for young
people
and society when they spend more
time
in shopping centres from a perspective of their health.
In other words
, they are more likely to either watch movies or eat sweets and food in restaurants, which increases their health concerns
due to
their continuous sedentary acts
as well as
consumption of sugary and greasy products.
Furthermore
, the growing attraction provided by recent
malls
discourages them from playing sports outside, promoting the lack of exercise and an increasing rate of obesity among young adults.
Therefore
, the trend of the youth spending their free
time
in shopping centres is not beneficial since they would not be able to gain enough stamina and strengthen their muscles, which are essential to support their life.
On the other hand
, spending
time
in shopping facilities has a positive effect on the development of a relationship among young
people
. Indeed, face-to-face communication plays a significant role not only in promoting the understanding of each other but
also
in increasing their sense of care and respect for their friends and family.
For instance
, they tend to be more thankful for cheerful support and unique jokes of their friends to make them laugh when they feel depressed from failing academic performance.
Thus
, chatting with
others
in shopping
malls
is valuable as they are more encouraged to realize the importance of
others
to establish trust
whereas
more young
people
depend on their smartphones for communication and lose actual contact with other
people
. In conclusion, I somewhat agree that young
people
should not spend more
time
in shopping
malls
as it leads to their declining physical conditions
due to
the lack of exercise outside.
However
, there is some potential advantage in that they are more likely to show their sympathy for
others
, resulting in a successful relationship.
Submitted by mizuho on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction conclusion present
While your introduction provides a clear stance, it could be more concise. Try to rephrase it to avoid slight redundancy.
clear comprehensive ideas
In some sections, the essay could benefit from more concise phrasing to enhance clarity.
complete response
The essay presents a balanced perspective by addressing both the negative and positive aspects of the topic, showcasing a comprehensive response.
logical structure
Logical and effective structure with clear paragraphs that flow well from one to the next, maintaining coherence and cohesion.
relevant specific examples
Relevant and specific examples are used effectively to support the points made, which enrich the overall argument.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: