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Band 5

Some individuals argue that children should always heed the advice given by their parents, while others believe that children should make decisions independently. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#individuals #children #advice #parents #decisions
It is believed that
children
 should pay attention to
the
Change the word
their
show examples
parents
’ advice,
whereas
 others argue that they should determine on their own. Both
view
Change to a plural noun
views
show examples
 will be discussed in
this
 essay and I endorse the latter view
due to
 the potential consequences it poses.
To begin
 with, there are several grounds why
children
 should take their parent’s advice. For one thing, the minors are immature and still
the
Change preposition
at the
show examples
 age that they should be protected by their patrons.
Therefore
,
parents
 can suggest the safe options which they already have experienced in their lives.
In other words
,
children
 should opt for the
guidances
Fix the agreement mistake
guidance
show examples
 from their
parents
 because they can supplement unripe
children
’s choices, promoting better consequences. In spite of the
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 mentioned above, I reckon that
children
 should make decisions split from their
parents
. First and foremost, self-decision making can
enchance
Correct your spelling
enhance
 the life satisfaction of adolescents.
This
 is because they can have the initiative in their own life and be respected as an entity.
Furthermore
, they can make even an advantageous conclusion, since they know themselves the best what they need. Another reason commonly put forward is that
children
 can cultivate
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 sense of responsibility.
Due to
 the fact that they can
intactly
Correct your spelling
instantly
 learn how they can be responsible for their own choices, which do not rely on the
parents
, experiencing new things. In a nutshell,
it is clear that
,
although
 some people contend that
children
 should be attentive
their
Change preposition
to their
show examples
parents
’ care, they can be
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
happier when they can
take
Correct your spelling
make
show examples
 a decision themselves.
Submitted by moonmond15 on

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Task Achievement
Ensure that your introduction clearly presents the topic and outlines the views that will be compared. While the main views were presented, they could be better clarified with a more detailed thesis statement.
Task Achievement
Work on the clarity of your ideas and make sure to answer all parts of the prompt. Your essay needs to address both views equally and offer specific examples to support each point fully.
Coherence & Cohesion
A clear logical structure is partially present with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, but the flow can be improved. Consider the use of cohesive devices and topic sentences to guide the reader smoothly through the arguments.
Coherence & Cohesion
Expand on your supporting points by adding more depth and detail, which could include statistics, studies, or anecdotal evidence to increase the persuasiveness of your arguments.
Lexical Resource
A broader range of vocabulary would enhance the essay. Aim to utilize less common words and phrases to demonstrate flexibility and precision in language use.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy
To improve your grammatical range, incorporate a variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and passive voice, while ensuring correct punctuation and conjugation.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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