IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that schools have to be more entertaining, while others think that their sole purpose is to educate. Which do you agree with

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In today’s society, many argue that
Use synonyms
education
Correct article usage
the education
show examples
 curriculum should be altered by adding more entertainment facilities,
while
Linking Words
 others claim that it is compulsory to give
first priority
Add a hyphen
first-priority
show examples
 merely on
education
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, in my opinion, I strongly believe that schools must be provided a better environment with not only subjects but
also
Linking Words
 to develop mental well-being and essential life skills of all pupils. On the one hand, it is obviously certain that offering a great deal of attention
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
learning
Correct article usage
the learning
show examples
 syllabus may
be benefited
Wrong verb form
benefit
show examples
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
all students since they may acquire the highest scores of relevant streams.
Thus
Linking Words
, they may feel
sense
Add an article
a sense
show examples
 of accomplishment and great satisfaction of themselves. To be precise, if they do not
fully-attend
Correct your spelling
fully attend
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their studies, they
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 not be able to obtain
desired
Correct pronoun usage
their desired
show examples
 achievements, which might affect
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 future goals. Another cogent reason is that they are well-performed
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
academic
Correct article usage
an academic
show examples
 basis, undoubtedly, it would be a great opportunity to achieve career prospects, even
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
overseas.
For instance
Linking Words
, in many multinational organizations,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
employers recruit their employees based on only academic qualifications.
Therefore
Linking Words
, most individuals tend to learn only subject materials.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are quite significant arguments that educators should promote the children for entertaining
field
Fix the agreement mistake
fields
show examples
Rephrase
apply
show examples
also
Linking Words
, not just
only
Rephrase
apply
show examples
for subject materials. The one major reason behind
this
Linking Words
 is that these activities may help to navigate their lifelong skills
such
Linking Words
 as developing
sense
Add an article
a sense
show examples
 of
responsibilities
Fix the agreement mistake
responsibility
show examples
, leadership, self-reliance, resilience and fostering mutual
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, school extra-curricular activities
such
Linking Words
 as sports events, art
competition
Fix the agreement mistake
competitions
show examples
 and singing
contest
Fix the agreement mistake
contests
show examples
, definitely will help to shape their characters in a positive way, acquiring
above
Correct article usage
the above
show examples
 qualities.
Moreover
Linking Words
, these entertainment programs are far more beneficial to strengthen their mental well-being, reducing the stressful environment, which they often live with, when it comes to exams.
This
Linking Words
, in turn, provides an interesting and more enjoyable learning process throughout their academic lives. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 some folks opine that the children must receive only
Use synonyms
education
Correct article usage
an education
show examples
 period from school time, I would argue that it is better for students may receive both
education
Use synonyms
 and enjoyable learning events, which help them to navigate their lives with commitment.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay presents a logical structure but can be further improved by enhancing paragraph transitions and varying sentence structures to better guide the reader through the argument.
coherence cohesion
An introduction and conclusion are present which is commendable; however, the conclusion could be strengthened by succinctly summarizing the main points before stating the final opinion.
coherence cohesion
The main points are supported by explanations and examples, but the writer should aim to integrate more varied and detailed supporting evidence, which could strengthen the argument.
task achievement
The response fulfils the task only to a moderate extent. To ensure a complete response, it is essential to directly address the prompt throughout the essay without diverting attention to less relevant areas.
task achievement
Clear and comprehensive ideas are evident throughout the essay. To improve, consider exploring each viewpoint more deeply to fully demonstrate understanding and engagement with the topic.
task achievement
Relevant examples are used to support the argument which is good practice. To enhance the essay, the writer should consider providing more specific scenarios or real-life evidence to substantiate their claims.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: