IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Nowadays, some older people choose to live in the retirement communities with other people, rather than living with their adult children. Is it a positive or negative development?

#people #retirement #communities #adult #children #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
How to spend a life after retirement is arguably one of the most crucial decisions.
While
Linking Words
 some would prefer to continue to stay with their children, I firmly believe that the advantages of embarking on the second part of their lives in a new community composed of retirees should not be overlooked.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, living with
grown up
Add a hyphen
grown-up
show examples
 children poses a great deal of inconvenience to those in their 60s or beyond. As their adult offspring have
alreadly
Correct your spelling
already
 attained their own life perspectives and lifestyles, these can collide with their aged
parents'
Change noun form
parents
show examples
 when living together;
as a result
Linking Words
, the tension between them can eventually have a detrimental effect on the family dynamics.
Moreover
Linking Words
, as their working-age sons and daughters can hardly make time for taking care of their parents as they are already busy juggling their work with
private
Correct pronoun usage
their private
show examples
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
, the unintended indifference would only sadden their elderly parents and even depress their
mood
Fix the agreement mistake
moods
show examples
 as well.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, living in a community comprising like-minded retirees who hope to enjoy their retirement can benefit them a great deal. For a start, various activities targeted for retirees provide them with physical and mental health.
For example
Linking Words
, they can be more active and social by joining a local hiking club and improving their level of fitness or participating in a book club
having
Correct word choice
and having
show examples
 productive and joyful discussions.
In addition
Linking Words
, those in their golden years can benefit from the location. As most silver towns are located in the countryside, they can reconnect themselves to nature, escaping from the dreadful urban air pollution and traffic noise. In conclusion, lives in retirement communities enable those in their golden years to enjoy the rest of their peaceful lives in tranquillity and stay fit with a wide range of recreational,
social
Correct word choice
and social
show examples
 activities.
Submitted by doable on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear central topic. Paragraphs should be logically ordered and ideas should be connected with a range of discourse markers.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and generally well-developed. You could enhance them by more explicitly stating your opinion and summarizing the main points of the argument in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
To fully support your points, provide specific examples from real-life situations, studies, or sources to add depth to your essay and strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Your response addresses the task well by presenting clear arguments for why living in retirement communities may be beneficial for older people. However, you could improve your score by crafting a more nuanced discussion that mentions potential drawbacks or variations on the trend, which would provide a more balanced view.
task achievement
Ideas are clear but occasionally lack comprehensive development. To enhance clarity and depth, expand on your ideas with more detailed explanations or contrasting viewpoints.
task achievement
Your examples are relevant, but they could be more specific. Incorporate detailed and concrete examples to better illustrate and support your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: