IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters (such as food, clothes and entertainment) is likely to result in society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matters that affect them.

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According to
Linking Words
 some allowing
children
Use synonyms
 to make their
decisions
Correct word choice
own decisions
show examples
 on everyday
matters
Use synonyms
 (
such
Linking Words
 as food, clothes and entertainment) is likely to
resalt
Correct your spelling
result
show examples
 in a community of
people
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 who only think about their own hopes.
While
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 other
people
Use synonyms
 believe that it is important for
children
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 to make their own choices about
matters
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 that affect them. In my opinion, I consider that
children
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 need someone to guide them
how
Change preposition
in how
show examples
 they make their choices. On the
one
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 hand, some
people
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 think that allowing
children
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 to make their own decisions leads to
make
Wrong verb form
making
show examples
 them think only about themselves, and I agree because of some reasons.
To begin
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,
children
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are not measure
Change the verb form
are not measured
are not measuring
show examples
 enough, so giving them the opportunity to choose the basic
matters
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 (
such
Linking Words
 as food and clothes) will tempt them to be selfish. Another point is,
if
Correct word choice
that if
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 used to choose whatever they want, they would think that it is their right to choose anything even if it hurts other
people
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.
For example
Linking Words
, if
one
Use synonyms
 child
decide
Change the verb form
decides
show examples
 to wear a good shirt from his or her view, but from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Change noun form
society's
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 view it is unsuitable to be
wore
Wrong verb form
worn
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, other
people
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 believe that making
children
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 choose their own
decision
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 on everyday
matters
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which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
affect them and they have some reasons. The first
one
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 is that the
confident
Replace the word
confidence
show examples
 of the
children
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 will be increased.
For instance
Linking Words
, if
one
Use synonyms
 child
choose
Change the verb form
chooses
show examples
 something he or she
like
Change the verb form
likes
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
, they will feel that they have an opinion
which
Correct word choice
that
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 they can share
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
among
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the
people
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 around them. The second
one
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 is that no
bodt
Correct your spelling
body
 denies that
children
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 face many things in their childhood and they have to
choose
Verb problem
make
show examples
 the
decision
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 which is helpful for their own cases.
To sum up
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 some believe that it is better to allow
children
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 to
choose
Verb problem
make
show examples
 their own
Use synonyms
decision
Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
show examples
. I believe that
children
Use synonyms
 need someone to help them to
choose
Verb problem
make
show examples
 the right
decision
Use synonyms
. If
children
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 used to gain whatever they
want
Wrong verb form
wanted
show examples
, they might be selfish.

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Improvement Suggestions

6
introduction conclusion present

Ensure that the essay has a clear introductory paragraph that paraphrases the prompt and presents a thesis statement, a body that develops ideas with examples, and a conclusion that summarises the main points and restates the thesis.

logical structure

Develop each paragraph with one clear main idea, and use cohesive devices effectively to link ideas within and across paragraphs.

supported main points

Support main points with specific examples and explanations to strengthen the argument. Avoid general statements and strive to provide concrete details.

complete response

Fully respond to all parts of the task ensuring that the position is relevant to the prompt. Include clear, relevant ideas, and ensure that opposing viewpoints are acknowledged and addressed.

clear comprehensive ideas

Work on expressing ideas clearly and comprehensively, ensuring that each paragraph logically progresses from the previous one and contributes to the overall argument of the essay.

relevant specific examples

Use relevant, specific examples to illustrate your arguments, ensuring they are directly connected to the main points being discussed in the essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Autonomy
  • Consequence-awareness
  • Self-centered
  • Informal decision-making education
  • Child development
  • Age-appropriate choices
  • Cognitive growth
  • Fostering independence
  • Parental guidance
  • Societal norms
  • Interpersonal consideration
  • Balance of freedom
  • Individualism versus collectivism
  • Experience-based learning
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