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Writing Samples
Band 7

‘Unemployment remains the biggest challenge to school-leavers in most countries.’ How far do you agree with this assessment? What other challenges face young people today?

#‘unemployment #challenge #school-leavers #countries #challenges #face #people
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The
number
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 of
job
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opportunities
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 in the market has decreased over the years,
while
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 the
number
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 of graduates has risen significantly.
This
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 phenomenon remains one of the biggest challenges that graduates face today. I agree that
unemployment
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 is a major issue, and I believe it is one that governments should address to secure a better future for their citizens. Nowadays, many young
people
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 are experiencing
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 growing trend of
unemployment
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.
This
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 may be
due to
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 the disparity between the
number
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 of
job
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opportunities
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 available and the
number
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 of graduates or
job
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 seekers.
Additionally
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,
this
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 issue may
also
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 arise from economic inflation, which affects many companies' ability to hire new employees. Recent studies by the BBC reveal that many individuals aged 22 to 35 are still struggling to find employment, even though they hold advanced degrees.
Furthermore
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,
in addition
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 to the high
unemployment
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 rate, young
people
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 must
also
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 contend with inflation. The cost of living in major cities has risen significantly over the years. Unfortunately, many young
people
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 are forced to leave the cities where they studied and return to their
parents'
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parent's
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 homes
due to
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 the high living costs. In some countries, governments have already responded by strictly limiting the
number
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 of international students allowed to study,
due to
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 the lack of
job
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opportunities
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 and the high cost of living.
To conclude
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, the problem of
unemployment
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 has been a persistent challenge for young
people
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 in recent years.
However
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, there are still no effective solutions to address
this
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 issue. Governments play an important role in tackling
unemployment
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, as the future of the nation depends on the well-being of the younger generation. By opening up more
job
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opportunities
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 across various sectors,
this
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 problem could be effectively addressed in the short term.
Submitted by salwaputrihardiyan on

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples or data from different countries where the impact of unemployment on school-leavers is demonstrated, to reinforce your points further.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph logically leads to the next, perhaps by using cohesive devices or transitional phrases more frequently.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the discussion.
task achievement
The points made are relevant to the topic and provide a comprehensive view of the challenges faced by young people today, with a strong focus on unemployment.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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