IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In many countries, many children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people believe that the government has the responsibility to deal with it. Do you agree or disagree?

#countries #children #people #government #responsibility
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In light of the alarming trend in obesity and diseases in children around the world, individuals propose that governments should assume the responsibility to address
this
Linking Words
 issue. I largely agree with them given their unique legal and financial power even though parents should
also
Linking Words
 contribute to the effort to an extent. The first rationale for my agreement to hold lawmakers responsible is that they are the only ones who have the constitutional authority to issue legislation that can directly mitigate
children’s
Use synonyms
health
Use synonyms
 problems.
For instance
Linking Words
, a complete prohibition of fast food in school areas enacted by the Vietnamese government has forced many fattening dishes
such
Linking Words
 as fried chicken wings to be withdrawn from school menus, contributing to a remarkable decline in obesity in some areas. Another argument for why I agree that governmental bodies should deal with
children’s
Use synonyms
health
Use synonyms
 concerns is their incomparable financial resources. Their budget is generated by various taxes and enormous profits from state companies, and it can be used to sponsor not only ambitious healthcare research but
also
Linking Words
 large-scale campaigns to enhance the public’s understanding of
children’s
Use synonyms
health
Use synonyms
, which can collectively lead to a reduction in
children’s
Use synonyms
 excessive weight and unhealthiness.
However
Linking Words
, I acknowledge that the role of parents should not be neglected. They might encourage their offspring to abandon sedentary lifestyles and embrace more physical activities to facilitate fat-burning and increased metabolism.
By contrast
Linking Words
, if parents are unaware of
children’s
Use synonyms
health
Use synonyms
 issues, they might indulge them with fatty foods or passive pastimes
such
Linking Words
 as computer games or watching TV, which would cause the endeavours by the government to be in vain. In conclusion, I am mostly in agreement with the idea of governments bearing the obligation of solving the ongoing problems of children being obese and unhealthy as they possess unparalleled authority and budget.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, parents’ involvement is
also
Linking Words
 crucial.
That is
Linking Words
 why the government ought to develop a master plan to involve all entities to comprehensively improve the
overall
Linking Words
 well-being of future generations.
Submitted by weezel on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion
The essay presents a clear standpoint in the introduction and reaffirms this in the conclusion, which is beneficial for coherence. However, to enhance cohesion, try to ensure smoother transitions between paragraphs and a more consistent use of cohesive devices such as conjunctive adverbs or transition phrases.
Task Achievement
The essay effectively addresses the prompt and develops a clear argument with well-developed ideas, which is reflected in the high score for task response. However, employing a wider range of specific examples and data can further strengthen the argument and show a deeper understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: