There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work

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In the contemporary era,

due to

Linking Words

the high academic pressure that students go through, it is supported that secondary

cources

Correct your spelling

sources

courses

such

Linking Words

as gymnastics and cooking tutorials, need to be out of the syllabus.

However

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, others may claim the opposite. I strongly believe that these

subjects

Use synonyms

are equally important for youngsters because they assist in striking a balance in the school's curriculum for various reasons. First and foremost, these classes help young people to cope with stress

as well as

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promote creativity and fitness.

In other words

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, they need

such

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tutorials in order to survive academic anxiety.

For instance

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, taking an art class after three hours of math may boost the person's energy and relieve him from stress.

Additionally

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, joining in a basketball game after class is considered to be an asset for young kids who wish to stay in shape. As an outcome, it is apparent that students should engage in non-academic

subjects

Use synonyms

as they have numerous pros.

Moreover

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, it can be correctly argued that social life in times of academic pressure is said to be vital. In more detail, adolescents' friendships and social cycles, in general, are essential for their mental health.

Hence

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, if

such

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subjects

Use synonyms

be removed, student's social time inside school hours will be diminished.

For example

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, it is a great opportunity for shy teens who don't make friends easily, during a cook tutorial, to communicate with their cook partner and maybe catch up later. As an impact, it is undoubtable that non-academic tutorials are as useful and important ones

such

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as maths, history , biology etc. Conclusively, considering all the aforementioned arguments in deep thought it is evident that all

subjects

Use synonyms

turn out to be equally valuable to young people. It is my strongest belief that if we wish our children to be as stress-free as possible in these academically challenging years, courses that boost teens' fitness and welfare must be preserved.

Submitted by dalialazaretou99 on Mon Nov 20 2023

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task achievement

Ensure that the introduction clearly outlines the main topics you will discuss. While the current introduction introduces the debate, it could more directly outline the key points that will be covered.

task achievement

Expand on your examples to better support your arguments. The essay provides some examples, but they could be made more specific and detailed to strengthen the support for your claims.

coherence cohesion

Use clear and cohesive linking devices throughout your essay to connect ideas and paragraphs. This helps the reader follow your argumentation with ease. The current essay could benefit from more precise connections between paragraphs and ideas.

coherence cohesion

Work on paragraph structure and ensure each one focuses on a single main idea with adequate development. Some paragraphs may contain multiple ideas that could be split and expanded upon for better clarity and coherence.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

Summary
Restatement of thesis
Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

In conclusion
To conclude
To summarize
Finally
In a nutshell
In general

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10
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 8.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 8.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

316 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

pressure
succeed
academically
non-academic
physical education
cookery
school syllabus
concentrate
academic work
well-rounded
enhancement
practical skills
balanced education system

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