IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Development is fast growing, more and more machines are replacing humans. Does the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?. Discuss and give vital example. Write not less than 250 words.

#development #machines #humans
These days, technology has been developing really fast, and it is important that they are replaced by
people
 who
work
 in factories.
While
 working
machines
 have several benefits, I Still that they cannot overshadow the drawbacks. On the one hand, working
machines
instead
 of humans have a
lot
 of merits.
Firstly
, devices that
work
 in companies for producing things or checking their qualities are more accurate than persons;
as a result
, the number of falts will be reduced.
Secondly
, if the manufacturers use
this
 equipment,
then
 they do not have to pay a
lot
 of money which is more than invested in not only buying but
also
 fixing them for workers, so their profits leap.
Thirdly
, in
this
 kind of generation manager do not need to check their employees; it conteras, they check their goods by camera.
On the other hand
, the demerits of
this
 way are varied. On the one side, if the population are changed by
machines
; most
people
 lose their jobs;
besides
, they will not have a
lot
 of money to spend on their lives, and the number of poor communities will climb.
For example
, in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, we can see the parents of Charlie lost their careers because their industry bought new
machines
 that
work
instead
 of
people
. On the other side, if these companies had been founded,
then
 they would be lazy and unhealthy owing to the fact that they
people
 choose another way for their incomes that does not alter by improving
machines
;
therefore
, their
work
 might be with their computer;
then
 they do not have massive activity;
hence
, they are lazy. In fact, we have a society
that is
 not healthy
people
.
To conclude
, technology and alternative
machines
 from
people
 are the perfect changes;
nevertheless
, their bad points are a
lot
 and affect societies' routines.
Submitted by maryamkazemi968 on

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coherence cohesion
Improve paragraph structure by ensuring that each paragraph focuses on one main idea. This will help in presenting a clearer argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on grammatical accuracy and the use of varied sentence structures to make the essay more professional and engaging.
task achievement
Rephrase the introduction for clarity. It should clearly state that machines replacing humans is the central point of discussion and your position on it.
task achievement
Add more specific and varied examples to support your points. While the example from 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory' is relevant, more real-world examples would strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Make sure the conclusion summarizes the main points effectively and aligns with the question prompt to reinforce your argument.
task achievement
The essay addresses both advantages and disadvantages of machines replacing humans, which demonstrates an understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay has an identifiable introduction, body, and conclusion, contributing to a reasonably clear structure.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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