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Writing Samples
Band 6

With the help of internet and television, many people are becoming famous. Is this a positive or a negative trend? Include examples

#help #internet #television #people #trend
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In
this
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 contemporary era, the invention of the internet,
as well as
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, the TV has assisted a myriad of individuals to become public figures. It is believed that
this
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 could have a detrimental impact on societies because those media icons could inculcate immoral values in youngsters and radiate a sense of inequality among others who might suffer from serious mental illnesses. To embark on, the teenage phase is a critical period where teenagers permanently try to shape their personality by following others, particularly, famous people.
In other words
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, when numerous social media icons post and share their luxurious lifestyle, young individuals get affected by those influencers and their way of living and the items they wear and use;
consequently
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, they try to mimic them.
However
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, many of them
due to
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 the fiscal side of matters, might fail to follow
this
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 type of lifestyle .
Therefore
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, several serious psychological illnesses will occur because they feel inferior.
This
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 can be exemplified by an article conducted by a group of Iraqi psychologists who claimed that about two-thirds of patients with chronic depression reported that they were suffering for a quite long period from dissatisfaction with their lifestyle because they were frequently comparing themselves to famous ones.
Furthermore
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, many luminaries spread erroneous behaviours that could have a negative impact on children. To illustrate, in the absence of parental supervision, many children are vulnerable to being subjected to sexual and inappropriate
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
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 which are frequently posted by famous figures.
Additionally
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, minors do not have full comprehension regarding the consequences of their deeds;
as a result
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, they could follow a trend or do something, their favorite character did, and become under threat of death or sexual harassment.
For example
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, Mohammed Ramadan,
he
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apply
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always posts himself
while
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 he is drinking an alcoholic drink or smoking. What can be said here is that not only famous people can negatively affect the mental health of individuals, but
also
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 they might inculcate immoral values in others. In conclusion,
after
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this
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 essay has reiterated the above-mentioned points, it can be assumed that a plethora of luminaries have a negative influence on the current generation who may try to imitate them,
in addition
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 to that multiple psychological disorders could emerge
due to
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 the sense of inequality.
Submitted by Drfatima.Abdullah on

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task achievement
Ensure that all key features of the task are covered; both the positive and negative aspects should be explored for a balanced argument, as the question requires an examination of whether the trend is positive or negative.
coherence cohesion
Strive for a clearer thesis statement and a more concise introduction that outlines your view on the topic. An effective conclusion should synthesize the key points made throughout the essay without introducing new information.
coherence cohesion
Work to maintain a logical flow of ideas throughout the essay. Transition between paragraphs should be seamless, guiding the reader through the argument with clear topic sentences and appropriate linking words.
task achievement
Make efforts to provide relevant examples that directly support the points being made. Each main point should have at least one clear example that substantiates it.
task achievement
Consider developing both sides of your argument to fully address the task and to show a range of ideas and perspectives. This will demonstrate a better understanding of the topic and strengthen your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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