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Band 7

It is more important for school children to learn about their local history than the world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#school #children #history #world
A segment of the community argues that prioritizing local
history
 over global
history
 is more crucial.
However
, I strongly disagree with
this
 assertion. Thanks to the rapid development of transportation and technology, we now inhabit a global village.
Consequently
, I believe there is no clear distinction between global and local
history
. First and foremost, studying
history
 aids
students
 in understanding their roots. Delving into the
history
 of their hometown may cultivate a sense of belonging.
Nevertheless
, as global migration continues to rise, neglecting the teaching of global
history
 can leave many individuals, particularly migrants and their children, disconnected from their origins. Take Taiwan,
for example
, where numerous workers from East-South Asia contribute to the workforce. It is imperative that their children have the opportunity to learn about their home countries even
while
 residing in Taiwan.
Secondly
, it is undeniable that the histories between nations are interconnected. To gain a comprehensive understanding of their nation's
history
,
students
 must delve into global
history
 to analyze it from a holistic perspective.
Moreover
, in the era of globalization, it is essential for
students
 to be globally literate. Global
history
 provides valuable insights into diverse cultures and historical contexts that have collectively shaped today's interconnected world. Ignorance of these global narratives can perpetuate misunderstandings and stereotypes. In conclusion, the inseparable link between local and world
history
 underscores the equal importance of studying both for children. Schools must recognize and address the diverse backgrounds of
students
 from around the world, ensuring that they have the opportunity to learn about their own heritage
while
also
 becoming globally literate. The interconnected nature of
history
 reinforces the notion that both local and global histories are integral components of a well-rounded education.
Submitted by vivian901014 on

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task achievement
Provide a clearer thesis statement that specifically outlines your position and preview the main points to be discussed.
task achievement
Include more specific examples or data to strengthen your argument and demonstrate a deeper analysis of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that paragraphs are well-organized and that each idea logically follows the previous one without losing focus on the main argument.
coherence cohesion
Employ a wider range of cohesive devices to demonstrate a higher level of fluency and text organization.
coherence cohesion
Develop a more impactful conclusion that effectively summarizes the main points and reiterates your position with a strong final statement.

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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