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Band 4.5

‏Every year thousands of students go overseas to study. Although many benefit from the experience, others go home disappointed. What are the benefits and drawbacks of studying in another country?

#‏every #year #thousands #students #study #benefit #home #country
Nowadays, a large number of students prefer to learn abroad to get more knowledge and money in their future lives.
Therefore
, learning overseas is becoming advantageous than disadvantages, I am going to examine both edges in the forthcoming paragraphs. First of all, thousands of
leaners
Correct your spelling
learners
show examples
 do their studies in
another countries
Replace the adjective
another country
other countries
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 to get profit in return and
this
 is exemplified by young adults
study
Wrong verb form
studying
show examples
 in the UK whilst working at the same time.Many of them, they are going to universities from morning till 4pm and later around 8pm they do night shifts job and
also
Rephrase
apply
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work during their weekends.After getting paid, they can afford to pay
their
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for their
show examples
tuitions
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tuition
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 and even clothes and food.Moreso, during their classes, they get to know different unique things
such
 as new cultures and new dress codes.
For instance
, in New Delhi India, some of my colleagues from Zimbabwe went there a decade ago and
returning
Wrong verb form
returned
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 back wearing
jewelleries
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jewellery
pieces of jewellery
show examples
,long dresses and eating meals with hot spices which they
Add a missing verb
had never
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never done
Add the auxiliary verb
did
have never done
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 before.
This
 is clear that, studying in other nations, pupils get aware of
variety
Correct article usage
a variety
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cultural
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of cultural
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 activities which
shows
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show
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 a benefit to the community.
On the other hand
, drawbacks can be experienced when students study in another state.
Moreover
,
language
 is a big barrier and some nations are
morely
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more
racism
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racist
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.
Hence
, speaking a new
language
 it's quite difficult, especially
to
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for
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 teenagers.
For example
,
some
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a
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 few years ago, it was a problem for others to speak
Germany
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German
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language
 in their studies.They were doing Nursing
degree
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degrees
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 in Berlin and many of them quit because of how hard to know that
language
,
this
 paved
a
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the
show examples
 way for others to get disappointed
during
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while
show examples
 learning.To add on, in other countries, many old
aged
Correct word choice
apply
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poeple
Correct your spelling
people
 are racists,
therefore
,
leaners
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learners
show examples
did
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 not feel comfortable in
such
 a situation which can make them unhappy to
study
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studying
show examples
 abroad.
To conclude
, personally, I believe that studying overseas it's
a
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apply
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merit in disguise because many students can afford to pay their school fees in England,
while
 they are working at the same time
Submitted by cajaah93 on

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Introduction
The essay addresses the topic, but the introduction could be clearer in presenting the main argument. An effective introduction should clearly state the overview of benefits and drawbacks and provide a clear thesis statement.
Task Achievement
Both sides of the argument (benefits and drawbacks) are discussed, yet the ideas could be better developed with more detail and depth. Aim for a more thorough exploration of each point.
Coherence and Cohesion
While the essay maintains some logical progression, clearer topic sentences could enhance the flow and linkage between ideas. Consider using more transition words and topic-specific vocabulary to improve coherence.
Language Use
Provide more varied and complex sentence structures and check for vocabulary usage and grammar; avoid colloquial language and maintain a formal tone throughout. Make sure to proofread for any grammatical errors.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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