IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people say that advertising is extremely successful at persuading us buy things. Other people think that is so common that we no longer pay attention to it. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #attention
There are many views about commercial messages
have
Correct pronoun usage
that have
show examples
 been influential
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 selling their
products
 to
people
 as opposed to
people
 who believe we do not care much
to
Change preposition
about
show examples
 advertisements as they have been covered everywhere.
While
 advertising has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
increased remarkably, I believe many of them are able to persuade
people
. Nowadays, companies devote a big part of their budget
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 advertising, as they believe it is the ultimate way to convince their target population to
but
Correct your spelling
buy
show examples
 their
products
. There are several beds to publish the ads and the internet is
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the top of the list. They use different types of technologies to make a more attractive advertisement to grab the
attention
 of clients.
Furthermore
, they hire some celebrities to represent the yields in media and grab the
attention
 of
people
.
For instance
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Nike has been using Ronaldo to increase their soccer boot
selling
Replace the word
sales
show examples
 and it seems they are very successful in persuading youngsters to a great extent.
Additionally
Add a comma
Additionally,
show examples
 they provide a
competition
Replace the word
competitive
show examples
 environment to force
people
 to judge their
products
 and compare them with other companies.
On the other hand
, many
sociologist
Change to a plural noun
sociologists
show examples
think
Change the verb form
thinks
show examples
 that
this
 generation
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 not convinced only by advertising.
Although
 the internet and
medias
Correct your spelling
media
show examples
 are
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
option
Fix the agreement mistake
options
show examples
 to promote and sell
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
products
, individuals have several options and they usually compare before they decide about buying things.
For instance
, I decided to buy a laptop several months ago and I had
bee
Correct your spelling
been
show examples
 searching the internet for comments,
feedbacks
Fix the agreement mistake
feedback
show examples
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 other
people
 and comparisons. To be honest, I did not pay
attention
 much to the advertisements and I decided to purchase my laptop based on
highest
Add an article
the highest
show examples
 score
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 two specific websites related to technology. In conclusion,
while
 advertisements can have several effects on
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
decision
Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
show examples
, many individuals do not pay
attention
 as much as
people
 did before.
Submitted by farzin_seyednejad on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear and logical structure throughout the essay by organising ideas in a more systematic manner. Each paragraph should focus on one main point and seamlessly connect to the next.
coherence cohesion
Include an introduction that clearly states the topic and a conclusion that summarizes the main points and states your opinion clearly to achieve better task response.
task achievement
Develop main points with more detailed and varied supporting information including facts, figures, or real examples to strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Remain consistently responsive to the task by thoroughly addressing all parts of the prompt and by ensuring your examples and arguments are entirely relevant to the task at hand.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • persuade
  • promote
  • attract
  • influence
  • impact
  • consumerism
  • commercialism
  • market
  • product
  • brand
  • endorsement
  • manipulative
  • saturated
  • overwhelmed
  • repetitive
  • distracting
  • irrelevant
  • exaggerated
  • misleading
  • desensitized
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!