Childhood obesity is becoming a problem throughout the dveloped world. Because of this, some people think that adverts for fast food, sweets and sugary snacks should not be allowed in schools and colleges. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is true that
,
Remove the comma
apply

It appears that you have an unnecessary comma after the subordinating conjunction that. Consider removing the comma.

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some people believe that because of
popular
Add an article
the popular

The noun phrase popular problem seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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problem
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

of childhood
obesity
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

that becoming
one
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

of the global issues, fast
food
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

, sweets and sugar snacks advertisements should be banned in schools and colleges,
while
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

other
Fix the agreement mistake
others

It seems that other may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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can claim that it
is not directly connect
Change the verb form
is not directly connected

It appears that the form of the verb connect does not work with is in this sentence.

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with these kinds of
food
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

. On the
one
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

hand, childhood
obesity
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

is becoming
one
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

of the global problems and
having
Wrong verb form
has

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb having. Consider changing it.

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big
Add an article
a big

The noun phrase big impact seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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impact on children's
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives

It seems that life may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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and health.
Obesity
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

can be
gained
Verb problem
caused

There may be a verb use issue here.

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by various
of
Change preposition
apply

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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factors.
Not to mention
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

,the main reason
of
Change preposition
for

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

issue is to eat a lot of
over
Change preposition
apply

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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caloried
Correct your spelling
calories
calorie
coloured

If you don’t want caloried to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

food
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

at the same time
countinuously
Correct your spelling
continuously

If you don’t want countinuously to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

.
This
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

may lead to health problems,
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

as heart
diseas
Correct your spelling
disease

If you don’t want diseas to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

, become diabetic, weak bones and
bad
Correct article usage
a bad

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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respiratory system. If we restrict fast
food
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

, sweets and sugary snacks at school or
Correct your spelling
college
colleagues
colleages
Correct your spelling
colleagues

If you don’t want colleages to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

, it can help to find
solution
Add an article
a solution
the solution

The noun phrase solution seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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to
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

problem
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

, children might eat less unhealthy
food
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

On the other hand
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, childhood ability can
gained
Change the verb form
be gained

The verb gained after the modal verb can does not appear to be in the correct form. Consider changing the verb form.

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not only
Correct article usage
an acceptabe
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acceptabe
Correct your spelling
acceptable

If you don’t want acceptabe to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

problem
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

, it can be in
genes
Correct article usage
the genes

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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and DNA of
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

child.
Moreover
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, people think that
only
Correct article usage
the only

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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way to solve
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

problem
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

,
Remove the comma
apply

The comma may be separating the subject and verb in your sentence. Consider removing it.

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is to not allow unhealthy
food
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

in particular
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

places, but
Use synonyms
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

problem
Add an article
the problem

The noun phrase problem seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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can start from
unhealthy
Correct article usage
an unhealthy

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle

The word life style seems to be miswritten. Consider replacing it.

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.
Obesity
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

can
develope
Correct your spelling
develop

If you don’t want develope to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

because there is
shortage
Add an article
a shortage
the shortage

The noun phrase shortage seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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of
exercising
Replace the word
exercise

The word exercising doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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,
Childrens
Correct your spelling
Children

If you don’t want Childrens to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

become fat because they are not moving and exercising daily. Nowadays, because of
technologies
Fix the agreement mistake
technology

It seems that technologies may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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children
became
Wrong verb form
have become

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb became. Consider changing it.

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lazy and it is
one
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

Of the
factor
Change to a plural noun
factors

The singular countable noun factor follows the quantifier one Of, which requires a plural noun. Consider using a plural noun or a different quantifier.

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that
develope
Correct your spelling
develop
developed
develops

If you don’t want develope to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

obesity
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

. It is not
Use synonyms
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

problem
Add an article
a problem
the problem

The noun phrase problem seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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of
Change preposition
for

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools

It seems that school may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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or
college
Fix the agreement mistake
colleges

It seems that college may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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to sell sweets or fast
food
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

,
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people

It seems that person may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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need to start from
yourselves
Correct your spelling
themselves

The word yourselves doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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to improve his/her health.
Submitted by ronadeclaro on

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task achievement
Be sure to fully address the question prompt and offer a clear opinion on the statement. You should aim to give a balanced view if discussing both sides, or a strong, clear argument if you are agreeing or disagreeing.
coherence and cohesion
Work on structuring your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs that each focus on one main idea, and a conclusion. Use cohesive devices to make the relationships between ideas clearer.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • vulnerability
  • unethical
  • well-being
  • commercial gain
  • cafeteria options
  • nutritional programs
  • fast food advertisements
  • health impacts
  • influence
  • educational environment
  • promote healthier eating habits
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