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Band 4

Childhood obesity is becoming a problem throughout the dveloped world. Because of this, some people think that adverts for fast food, sweets and sugary snacks should not be allowed in schools and colleges. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#childhood #obesity #world #people #adverts #food #sweets #snacks #schools #colleges
It is true that
,
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apply
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 some people believe that because of
popular
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the popular
show examples
problem
 of childhood
obesity
 that becoming
one
 of the global issues, fast
food
, sweets and sugar snacks advertisements should be banned in schools and colleges,
while
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 can claim that it
is not directly connect
Change the verb form
is not directly connected
show examples
 with these kinds of
food
. On the
one
 hand, childhood
obesity
 is becoming
one
 of the global problems and
having
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
big
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a big
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 impact on children's
life
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lives
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 and health.
Obesity
 can be
gained
Verb problem
caused
show examples
 by various
of
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apply
show examples
factors.
Not to mention
,the main reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
 issue is to eat a lot of
over
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apply
show examples
caloried
Correct your spelling
calories
calorie
coloured
food
 at the same time
countinuously
Correct your spelling
continuously
.
This
 may lead to health problems,
such
 as heart
diseas
Correct your spelling
disease
, become diabetic, weak bones and
bad
Correct article usage
a bad
show examples
 respiratory system. If we restrict fast
food
, sweets and sugary snacks at school or
Correct your spelling
college
colleagues
colleages
Correct your spelling
colleagues
, it can help to find
solution
Add an article
a solution
the solution
show examples
 to
this
problem
, children might eat less unhealthy
food
On the other hand
, childhood ability can
gained
Change the verb form
be gained
show examples
 not only
Correct article usage
an acceptabe
show examples
acceptabe
Correct your spelling
acceptable
problem
, it can be in
genes
Correct article usage
the genes
show examples
 and DNA of
this
 child.
Moreover
, people think that
only
Correct article usage
the only
show examples
 way to solve
this
problem
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 is to not allow unhealthy
food
in particular
 places, but
problem
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the problem
show examples
 can start from
unhealthy
Correct article usage
an unhealthy
show examples
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
.
Obesity
 can
develope
Correct your spelling
develop
 because there is
shortage
Add an article
a shortage
the shortage
show examples
 of
exercising
Replace the word
exercise
show examples
,
Childrens
Correct your spelling
Children
 become fat because they are not moving and exercising daily. Nowadays, because of
technologies
Fix the agreement mistake
technology
show examples
 children
became
Wrong verb form
have become
show examples
 lazy and it is
one
 Of the
factor
Change to a plural noun
factors
show examples
 that
develope
Correct your spelling
develop
developed
develops
obesity
. It is not
problem
Add an article
a problem
the problem
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 or
college
Fix the agreement mistake
colleges
show examples
 to sell sweets or fast
food
,
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 need to start from
yourselves
Correct your spelling
themselves
show examples
 to improve his/her health.
Submitted by ronadeclaro on

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task achievement
Be sure to fully address the question prompt and offer a clear opinion on the statement. You should aim to give a balanced view if discussing both sides, or a strong, clear argument if you are agreeing or disagreeing.
coherence and cohesion
Work on structuring your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs that each focus on one main idea, and a conclusion. Use cohesive devices to make the relationships between ideas clearer.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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