IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that mobile phones should be banned in public places like libraries, shop and on public transport, others argue that people should be free to use their mobiles wherever they like. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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There are differing opinions on whether mobile
technology
Use synonyms
 should be prohibited in communal environments.
While
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 some believe it is inappropriate to operate these gadgets in
such
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 settings, I argue that making a legal requirement for
this
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 behaviour is unnecessary.
To begin
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 with, one of the arguments in favour of banning mobile
technology
Use synonyms
 in public locations is that its misuse can negatively impact others.
For instance
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, some individuals watch videos on high-speed trains without using earbuds, causing noise that disturbs those trying to rest.
Moreover
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, becoming too absorbed in smartphones in parks, squares, or on streets can pose safety risks.
For example
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, some pedestrians continue to scroll through social media
while
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 crossing the road, putting themselves in danger.
Therefore
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, it is suggested that restricting the operation of
such
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technology
Use synonyms
 in shared environments is necessary to protect public well-being. Despite these arguments, I contend that completely prohibiting the operation of mobile
technology
Use synonyms
 in communal settings is unnecessary.
Firstly
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, regarding inappropriate behaviour on public transportation, authorities can introduce penalties,
such
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 as small fines and community service, to deter
such
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 actions.
For instance
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, most individuals maintain silence in libraries
due to
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 strict regulations that punish those who disrupt the peace.
Additionally
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, enforcing a complete ban on mobile gadgets in all public settings is nearly impossible given the vastness of
such
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 locations and the widespread reliance on these technologies. If the government attempts to enforce
this
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 policy, it would require significant financial and human resources, which could be more effectively used for other public services,
such
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 as education, healthcare, and environmental protection. In conclusion,
while
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 it is undeniable that restricting the operation of mobile
technology
Use synonyms
 in communal environments has its advantages, I believe that enforcing
such
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 a regulation would be highly impractical.
Instead
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, resources should be redirected towards more impactful areas.

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task achievement
Overall, your task response is well-developed. However, more specific examples can further illustrate your points and make your arguments more compelling. For instance, mentioning a real-world incident where mobile phone use led to a public disturbance can strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates great coherence and cohesion, with ideas logically organized and paragraphs effectively connected. However, you can enhance the logical flow by using more transitional phrases to guide the reader through your points smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are strong, clearly outlining your stance and summarizing your arguments effectively. This makes your essay easily understandable.
task achievement
You have successfully supported your main points with logical reasoning, making your argument well-founded and persuasive.
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